Exams

Its amazing how you can have an exam coming up and still have enough time to watch tv, be on internet, even contemplate watching a movie. and i did see movie in my previous semester exam!!

While it can be argued that since exams are nothing but a check of what u have learnt in the year so it should be easy... but we all know that aint the reason.. Especially considering i dont remember what was taught in the semester, and i blame the teachers we had.. There is just something about this course that people find easy to study for. Could be the dukki we have... a thin guide like book to be read for the whole paper.. and predictable question papers that are churned out.. so u can analyse and predict what will come and what wont. i pride myself on that analysis, though i end up studying enough to answer 7 of the 8 questions instead of just 5 (the required amount). So this time they decided to complicate matters by getting a compulsory question in. 4 out of 5 short 5 mark questions from anywhere... to get ppl to study more, that is if they cared about those marks. and make a common paper for 3 centres so pattern of question varies a little.

As a education evaluator, i think its a good idea to make sure ppl study more.. as a student i think its shamful the way they are complicating things. As me, i dont care. i realised it wont make a difference to how i study or how much i study.

But in the mean time, i really do enjoy this free time exams..

I've been called

i have been called a lot of things by lot of people. this is my attempt to list some of them down. Dont contribute in the comments section unless it is complimentary and as i doubt if any of you is gonna compliment me.. just forget it.

1. Brat: by family. And i cant deny it, dont want to. it comes with the territory of being the younger sister.

2. Soft-spoken: a guy who had met me once before. explains the incorrect description.

3. Intelligent, smart: i suppose i am.

4. Studious: its different from above. i do give importance to study. thats probably because of my family, and the fact that i am usually good in studies. But i am the last minute student. I am conceptually sound at most times though and people think that means i study a lot. Nope, thats just Point no 3.

5. Arrogant: Not to my face. This is second hand info and the informant took care to let me know that i am not, as did another friend. But later came a short period, the aftermath of 3 entrance results and the graduation result - did great and couldnt stop telling people. I did shut up after a few days..

6. Guru: not related to abhishek bachchan at all. This is coz i used to be the student teacher for my friends.

7. Talli-Balli: lamba mera yaar uski chotti gali - i just really like this line thats all. But the point is self explanstory, dont u think?

8. Mad: Now this is a compliment. I covered this point here.

9. Independent: by classmates. apparently i give out the vibe of being strong and capable and i can be alone with a book and music during times when my friends have classes and i dont.

10. Opinionated: a friend, who took care to point out that while she likes the fact that i have strong opinions, sometimes their way of expression may hurt another person.

11. Dominating: I figured i was a push-over in some respects. But Point 10 and 11 mixed - you get the picture.

12. Sarcastic: what can i say? its in my genes.

13. Impatient: in a haste to finish work that quality might suffer. I guess in some cases its true. i can hold this responsible for all the silly-mistakes in math.

14. Leadership quality: B is what my teachers in school gave me, i understand now. as i grew up, I have been responsible for events etc but i am still not comfortable. I like specific work.

Memories

My memories can be classified into groups- those that i remember - there is an image in my mind or my feeling then.. like sitting in the winter sun with grandma, playing pittoo in a park (again in winter), Diwali card games, scratching my legs in the cement slope-cum-slide and so many others. and then those that i dont remember myself (so technically its not my memory!). its the stories i have heard from others about me. About how i cried and cried so my father had to rush home, take me to a doctor and then i stopped crying while they were still explaining to him what happened, finding amusement in my father's keys. While i know the story, i prefer to hear it from others, because i can listen to their voice and tone and get a feel of the memory.

And then the third group - the ones i am unsure of.. i can remember them but i cant figure out if they are really my memories or is it that i have heard them so often that they have become part of my brain and i am imagining how i must have felt or how it must have been. With a large family, its a given that one story would get repeated often, especially with my family. so if we commit a blooper be prepared for a lifetime of constantly hearing about it. Its now difficult to distinguish my memory from them. Maybe the stories have overshadowed my own version and thats why i am unsure of whether i really remember.. or maybe i dont have a version of myself. i dont know. Like seeing QSQT 3 times a day for a whole month. it seems like a physical and mental impossibility.. and me being a sucker for happy endings.. it seems a weird choice. But there it is. i rememeber we borrowed the video from a neighbour but as for actually seeing it, i cant tell for sure whether its my memory. Like how i used to say Parrot while others were playing countries Antakshari. These are so agonisingly close that i almost remember them.. maybe i do.. its just i cant say for sure.

Does it matter? maybe not. I do have the stories. and i can repeat them anytime. But maybe it would be nice to have an image or a feeling that i was sure was original!

Best thing about Sunday

Is Saturday!!!
I have college on saturdays too.. but i dont work on saturday.. So that means that my weekend starts on saturday afternoon. Sundays may be a full holiday but always in the back of your mind, you know that the next day is monday - back to the grind. but Saturday, oh saturday - you know that tomorrow is off.. There is nothing in the back of your mind.. infact there is nothing in your mind except for the thought of getting up late tomorrow. I can be up late into the night because i dont have to get up at inhumane time of 630 am. Evenings are my time. I was born in the evening. and there is a saying that time of your birth determines which is your time of the day; Mornings are definately not my time. i take ages to get up and get ready which means i have to set my alarm atleast an hour and 15 min before i intend to leave ( which gets delayed by atleast 10 min). and i am grumpier coz i couldnt sleep for longer. Now on the other hand, evenings is great. i get active then. but since day starts in the morning - by the time evening comes, there is tiredness to reckon with and so instead of being active i am just restless.. but saturdays - wonderful: not tired because tom is off.. i have the entire day to relax.
And night: though i was born in evening, night is also my time. I think i like the quietness of the time. no disruptions, no disturbances. Uninterrupted TV, computer, reading... Great!!
I love Saturday evenings and nights!
too bad its a whole 5 days away!

i want to run away

From crappy teachers, administration
poor infrastructure, stupid system
i want to run away

From crowded broken down buses
the yelling haggling people
i want to run away

From indifferent and callous public
yet with rising mob mentality
i want to run away

From irrational obsessions
corruption and politics
i want to run away

From family expectations
demand of conformity
i want to run away

From questions unanswered
or worse brushed aside
i want to run away

Books!

i love books. ok, so i dont read the intellectual, real literature or whatever it is you call that, though through attempts of others, i have wavered into the territory.

but lately i have gone off books. ok so i read the latest harry potter. that took me a day ( a day which went into 4 in the morning of next day). but no other books. i have been repeating old books.. trusted old books, where i can pick any page and know where i am in the story. and its not that there is shortage of books.. i have loads of new books just standing there, waiting for the precious moment when i will pick them up and not put them back. and they are interesting books.. and its not like i dont have time at all. i have the evenings and travel to and from college. i dont know what has happened. would a fast-paced thriller which keeps one glued, break this? (where is a good jeffrey archer when you need one!).

so why is this happening? is it that i dont want to use my brains much (keep off the comments!). like i dont want to think. or is it just pure laziness to commit hours to this. with old books, i can leave them at any time and not worry as i know exactly what will happen next. or is it that for the moment, i find the books boring? maybe thats why agatha christie ( what have i not read yet???), jeffrey archer, john grisham etc kinda books will work. they are quick and gripping.

but i want to get back to my books. i look at them everyday and wonder when i will start on them. now i know its a good idea to have unread books around, but there are lots now. so i better get to it.. maybe if i start, the flow will come. i hope so!!

MAD?

'You are mad!'
someone told me in the middle of a conversation. for a minute i thought he thought i was angry, but the mention of electric shock therapy got me around to the right meaning. And my reply - ' oh yeah. i take that as a compliment' and i do. it is a compliment for me. i love hearing stories about how mad i was when i was younger (but then that may be that being a large family, my stories see the light of day so few times).

am i ashamed of my silliness? ofcourse not. i once said i accepted the low feeling bcoz it meant higher highs - craziness.. and its very valuable to me. not everyone might think that insanity is a worthy claim. i beg to differ.. its very worthy. why? i dont know. maybe bcoz that makes me different (does it really?), its non-comformist, it makes me feel free.. or hundred different reasons i cant quite think of now.

PS: Now despite what people might think, i am not advocating completely senility.. i can be quite sane when required!
does this claim for sanity just prove that i am infact insane?

yak yak!!

people talk.. it seems everyone is my life has stories to tell, episodes to recount, miseries to share, emotions to describe and my job is to listen to them. and it seems to have gone to a level where i have started thinking i have nothing to say. that if by some miracle, people shut up, i would not be able to fill the void.. or is it that i just think that my life, compared to their 360 degree rollercoaster, is like a slow moving caterpiller. so i go on listening silently and actually encouraging them to speak... and i am getting irritated. i want to escape this and then people come with such complicated life stories, forcing me to yield..

you know you are hitting bottom, when you start to dread a friend's call because you are afraid of getting sucked into their life and losing yours. or maybe when your brain doesnt know what to think except your response in the monologic conversation with others.

is it so unnatural to feel this? is it really selfish to want to think about yourself more.. and if it is selfish, is that really a bad thing? i dont know what i want.. simply attention or some talking time or just the feeling that my life is worth a conversation.

Independence

I am sure the word has deeper meaning than what i am gonna talk about but self-absorption governs my brain. Independence of the kind i enjoyed recently has made a deep impression. The ability to do what you want and when you want, not being obligated to anybody else for your day. But its not so much about what i actually did. Infact apart from one thing, i dont think anybody would have any problems.. but its more of the fact that nobody could have a problem. it was my ability to do and others inability to question. No, i was not deserted on an island somewhere. But i was in a world completely new and people unfamiliar. My only connection to me (as i was or supposed to be) was a cousin ( and her husband) who thankfully were quite cool, though the cousin did have bouts of elder sister. and then there were people i met there. And they were all new acquaintances. so though you might consider it too much of imposition to ask them to do anything, it works both ways. They cant make you do what you dont want or what you are in no mood to do.. no, they cant even make you talk. If i feel like conversation, i talk or else wander alone. No one has any claims on your time. No one has an opinion on your life or the way you spent your time and even if they do, it doesnt have the demand of consideration. What i wanted to do was not just the priority, it was the only thing on the list. The world of strangers was perfect, especially when you dont feel their judgmental eyes following you. Courtesy to my hosts was all that was demanded of me, apart from some phonecalls from parents. And i am not so selfish or self absorbed as not to be able to fulfill that demand.

Maybe this happiness wouldnt have lasted if i had stayed more than what i did... but for now, i think of it nostalgically or maybe futuristically of time i may have it again.

A choice in history

In a book ( agatha christie, if u will) one of the characters ask another " so you would be ok with no monuments ( they were in Egypt, i believe) if you could know people were well fed", the condescension obvious. That makes me think. would you be ok with giving up all the historical monuments of the world in return for the better lives of people of that time. For example, would you rather not have the pyramids and ensure that people who must have died or seriously injured were safer. ( i dont know the facts but just imagining the task makes me sure there would have been enormous casualties) Closer home, would you give up the Taj Mahal if that meant that few centuries ago, thousands would not have lost their eyes or limbs. thats the question!! ofcourse one could argue that if there had been no Taj, we wouldnt know what we are missing, so it wont matter. but now that you have known and seen it, would you? there are many ways of looking at this.. historian's way, architect's way, tourism promoter way.. and then regular person's way. It can be a hard decision, it can be simple. Imagine a current situation.. would you risk people's lives, limbs so that you could build a structure which may possibly be one of the magnificent creations? If your answer is yes, the words to define you wouldnt be hard to find... i'll stick to cruel. If your answer is no, shouldnt this answer be the same for past? Ok, so you say you are ready to give up the Pyramids and Taj ( using them as samples) but can you say it without regret, without a thought to what you would lose?


Torture, risk, loss may make the decision simpler. But what if instead of the fantastic structures, you had the assurance that few centuries ago people were well fed, not stricken with extreme poverty. That instead of spending atrocious amounts of money to build ego-massaging things, money was spent on food, shelter, clothing, health care...Would you still give them up? But then again, economics tells you, that public expenditure can do more to reduce poverty than free-handouts. Ofcourse it would be better to spend it on infrastructures which apart from providing jobs to people thereby injecting money in their hands starts a process of economic development, would also mean that end product again helps the country. But then tourism forms an important part too. again, i have no facts but the petronas towers and now probably the Taipei tower would be attracting tourists, helping the economy.

So i am confused about the second part. Lets personalise it a bit more (of course we are all self-centred). Would i give up car, AC, vacations etc to give money to the needy, charity? and that makes it hard... because whatever i say, i know deep inside ( actually not even that deep inside) that i cant voluntarily give these up just for others.
But about the first part, i can say - give them up. Its not that i am not into history and historical structures.. though not a complete history or architect buff, i love to see all these... but the price is high. if given a choice, i wouldnt believe it to be worth it. yet, that doesnt make me avoid these. No point in that. The beautiful structures are there to be admired albeit they were built at a huge price. i may be a hypocrite, but thats how i feel.
I dont know what you would say, but either way, never ask the question with condescension!!

Advice to teachers

Everybody has their lists.. here's mine. the most obvious would be "know the subject" and "know how to teach." i might be able to bear the those cant do the second but definately not the first!
1. Never refer to the class or any student by "nonsense kahin ke"
2. Never make faces. Dont try the angry/dissatified... any look. Very few people can make it and you just end up looking silly and become the butt of all jokes.
3. When a student asks you a question, dont confuse them more and as far as possible, try to answer the question asked, not what you know.
4. Oh and while answering do look at the person who asks the question and not at the other end of class.
5. Its just as irritating to have a teacher's mobile phone ring in the middle of class though it might be a relief to students at times. But especially in an exam??
6. Never wear dupattas with shells, trinkets or anything which make noise, not in class and definately not when there is an exam you are invigilating.
7. Never make a student appearing for an exam get the extra supplementary sheets which is your responsibility.
8. Never threaten students with attendance. it just shows you know how bad a teacher you are. 9. Never tell stories about your family or yourself. We are not the least interested that your son is giving CAT and doesnt have the decency to find out about colleges and entrances himself and you have to waste class times to ask us on what to do.
10. If possible, dont start in the middle of the blackboard and end up in the corners. Its a bit confusing.
11. Dont write too small on the blackboard. We dont have magnifying glasses. On the other hand dont write too big. We are not in kindergarden.

An ode to myself

In honour of my birthday, i am subjecting you to more bad poetry ( ok rama, dont sue me for using another of your labels)

As i turn 22 years old
It seems to have been foretold
No matter how much i age
i wont be a saint nor a sage
soft-spoken, i have heard someone say
unlikely even if i try, which i never may
i will never be one of the good girls
nor wear a ribbon on my curls
i can be forced to do something
but not with grace, would i be willing
No pleas would work nor any ruse
i would be stuck-up, if i so choose
an open mind or closed like a box
stubborn, maybe arrogant like an ox
but i can be funny, i can be sarcastic
a total brat if i feel like it
i am restless and quite lazy
my thoughts and wishes, usually hazy
i enjoy the ridiculous and being insane
but i am still capable of using my brain
So this is how i turned out to be
like it or not, happy birthday to me!

Whats in a name?

According to Shakespeare, nothing. A rose by any other name, would still smell the same. And i guess he is right. If i hadnt had the name i have now, i would still be the person i am. But i am still very grateful that my parents did not pick out the classic biloo/pinky kind of names (not just as nicknames, people's real names are sometimes this silly). My name is free from reproach of silliness (however susceptible i might be to it). But still, the importance of name does go beyond that of just not having a silly name. I remember the play "Importance of Being Ernest" by Oscar Wilde - an extremely funny and interesting play. The way the two females fall in love with the name or perhaps the man the name represents.

Getting back, i have never encountered anybody with the same name as myself. ok ok.. so there is an actress with the same name as me. But i have never met her, have i? I am very proud ( silly i guess.. to be proud.. but i am!) that i have never met anybody of the same name. Its a pleasure to know that there are not many with your name.. of course i could have lived in the bubble of denial that nobody has my name had not that actress decided to have the same name. copy cat!!! to make things clear i was not named after her. I think my name is out of a prayer ( as is most people of my generation, not that it made me one bit religious). My dad got to chose this one. He said he chose it because he liked it. And that is the only answer i ever got if i ventured to ask what my name means and why it was chosen. (My mom always diverted me to him saying he was the one who chose it). Nobody knew what my name meant. which meant that whenever anybody asked what my name meant (like really just because it is my name i am supposed to know everything about it), i had no answer. Trying to find the meaning of name was unsuccessful. For once, the web was completely useless. Most baby names book do not carry my name. guess i should be thankful for that.. it means less people are likely to use the name. But not knowing the meaning didnt matter much. I like the sound of it and it has been my name all my life. There is somthing to be said for that. You grow to love your name. and as i said, its nice to have an unique name.

Though i must say, its not easy when people keep misspelling my name. Ofcourse my relatives have also misspelled, so i can scarcely be shocked when strangers do so. The frequent misspelling has not made me used to it, rather i have become quite stubborn if not obsessed with it. But i am glad that my name has not been mispronounced. (Ofcourse i havent had my name pronounced by foreigners much who would probably destroy it)

If my name was something else, i would still be me.. but i wouldnt be Ranjitha. And i like being that. So Shakespeare be damned!!!

PS: I have recently found out that my name means colourful, happy. i approve!!!
thanx dad, for the name! i also like it.

Thing about moms!

This is essentially a mother - daughter relation. Having a sister and no brothers (and i am very grateful for that), i dont know how a mother-son relation would work. but this is some of things i have observed..

1. You have the maximum fights with mom (with possible exception of sister)
2. As much as you fight and as mad as you get, its hard to stay mad for a long time. i have tried to be so, believe me.
3. Though it seems like she never understands, she surprises you. She does understand.
4. She might disagree with you and diapprove, but she always defends you in front of others.
5. She never buys your arguement of shortage of clothes and makes outrageous suggestions about what to wear and what to buy.
6. When she knows you really dont want to do something, she doesnt force you ( she does force you to do lot of other things though). She would even make excuses for you, sometimes even to your father.
7. She(true of parents as such i guess) is proud of what you have done, however small it might be and can be embarrasing in showing off.
8. She is always after you to eat, it doesnt matter if you are not hungry.
9. Even if you have to cajole, pressurise and force it out of her, a nod from her means you can enjoy the expensive and probably worthless article without guilt ( especially when you dont earn)
10. Moms have the best ability to calm your nerves, especially before exams. (i havent had to test that theory much.. but i believe it)
11. If you cant find something, you always call out to her, though there is no earthly reason why she should know where it is.
12. She knows when you have a "mood-out".
13. Though you tell her not to bother, but when she cleans your cupboard ( she tried to get you to do it, but ofcourse you dont), you are quite pleased with her organization of your clothes.

Going Away

Another attempt at poetry!!!

Come away with me,
whispered the wind
as it caressed my face
but i stood strong
watched it blow away,
leaving me in a disarray.

Come away with me,
bellowed the ocean
as its waves tingled my feet
but i stayed where i was
as the waves receded
leaving me marooned.

Come away with me
crackled the fire
as its flames touched the sky
but i drew back
and watched it fade
leaving me in a cold state .

Come away with me
pleaded my heart
as it tried to show me the way
but i didnt listen and watched it go
i stayed with my mind
and was left empty behind.

quarter life crisis - confusion!

I read about this thing called the quarter life crisis sometime back. I don’t know what it said now exactly, but it dealt with common problems people in their 20s face. I remember feeling thrilled because it exactly described how I felt. I was not alone. There was a whole syndrome based on it. So I sent it to all my friends. Unfortunately nobody responded. So I am back to the question.. is it just me? I guess not, because someone did send it to me.

Confusion was one of the main themes underlying the whole syndrome/crisis. It also seems to be the keyword in my life. But the crisis started as I hit 20 (quite an early start of the syndrome). By college third year, I was waging a full scale war inside of me ( how did I fight a war inside me against myself? Self destruction was inevitable and multiplied). Back and forth, I went. Finally at the last minute I made a decision which apparently everybody knew I was going to make, except me. Or maybe I did know too. Now, I am confused about my confusion then. If I thought making that decision would end this confusion, I was in for not so subtle awakening. So here I am, confused as ever, infact more now than ever before. Doubt set in early and for months I seeked reassurance which was not forthcoming. Not helped by my attempt at serious work which suffocated me too much. But when I did get a divine (?) sign that I was in the right path, the broad path broke into tiny twisted, criss-crossed little streets and I don’t know what to pick, where to go. Realizing that you have to make more choices when you had believed that your life changing decision had been made is tough. It’s unnerving. I feel like saying.. “back off! let me breath”

I don’t remember if this was part of that quarter life crisis. If not, it should be. Its called the idealism meets realism crisis. Its not that I am completely cutoff from reality. I have known for a long time that the world is definitely not idealistic, not in my sense, not in anybody else’s. But I am realizing how this reality would affect who I am. I don’t know if I will survive, would I still be me when the world starts throwing far more serious things than tough question papers. Its easy to say I have principles and I follow them now but would I remain true to them as I grow older. Disillusionment is part of life but when it makes you question everything you know of yourself, its more than just a part… it’s a crisis.

PS: usage of word crisis is my prerogative. it might seem to you to be exagerration, but thats none of my concern!

come sleep

Blue sky, green fields, wind blowing
a perfect picture of a river flowing
as i close my eyes i see
the meeting of the sky and sea
on the beach the sunset
and hope that it calms my unrest
if only it was so easy, but its not
i dont understand what i have caught
with open eyes i look around the room of mine
see the fan whirling, hear the ticking of time
thoughts race one after the other
like a ship without a rudder
they never make sense what i feel
all i want is peace, too much to ask, it must seem
how long i spend like this i dont know
before sleep obliges me with a bow
why is it so hard to do this simple task
fall asleep and dream and relax
but the love of sleep in the morn takes away my fame
even as an insomniac, i cant stake a claim

compatibility quiz

so i saw koffee with Karan - kareena kapoor and shahid kapur. after the first episode i havnt seen much of this second season. wish i had stuck to that habit. But i am not writing this to talk abt the show, or the actors or karan himself ( who i say supreme egoist by the way) but rather unwittingly it started something. he had this compatibility vivah quiz where he asked shahid various things abt kareena ( i wont even go into this) and it got me thinking if i have to judge closeness of my relationships with people through these kind of quizes, i would prob flunk all tests. i am not very observent and forget stories and facts told to me.. so how would i remember things like fav colour, actor etc unless so blatant that it is doing tap dance right under my nose!! so does it matter whether you know these things or not. normally i would say no.. ofcourse it doesnt. what matters is the relationship itself - the comfort level, the trust and readiness to be there for each other. but in the course of friendship and even family relations ( my own sis) arent i supposed to pick up some info. like if i am asked to organise a bday party for a friend, would be able to do so.. pick out songs, colour schemes, food.. i dont know. i think i do know lot of things abt very close friends and family members (seriously if you talk that much, something is bound to stick in your mind) but if you ask me specifically probably not. Fav colours - no idea abt anyone. so does that mean i am not compatible with anyone.. ( so i'll never have a vivah - doesnt sound all that bad right now). i guess not. i think some would disagree.
so what should i do? start interrogations, try and remember things when they tell me. or not bother at all about so called compatibility tests.. it doesnt matter right. it could be that the other person doesnt have specific favs.. i mean i dont have a fav colour right now, prob not so much a fav season, and other things. so no matter how close you are to me, you wont know these things abt me, coz i dont know myself. and then there are things that change with your mood. now i am not going to be a mood reader for these things... spare me i have better ways to waste my time. i should have known no good can come out of something involving kareena kapoor, shahid kapur and karan johar in an interview.

PS: in case you do care, some favourites
Book - pride and prejudice
Movie - for now Lord of the Rings ( all 3, especially 3rd - love happy endings)
Actor in terms of looks - Tom Cruise ( dont care abt how good a husband he is)
Food - chinese or italian - i think chinese might score higher.

so remember them so you can answer on the quiz about me!!!!!!

family

Holi is here. not that i celebrate it. but it took my mind to festivals and diwali. diwali has been the most celebrated festival ( i think navratri gives a very good competition) but if you ask me to pick, i'll pick diwali anyday. guess its to do with past. i think rama/renu talked about diwali in her post sometime back. It used to be great fun. card-games, sleepovers, early morning bath, new clothes..and for sometime firecrackers too (stopped bursting long time back though). but its all changed. i dont think i'll ever get to have those diwali back. its too different now.. i am not very fond of change. i am conservative that way. i am not impulsive and i cant change my thinking, my views, my schedule very easily. so accepting this reality also took a long time. but with my realisation mode in over-drive, i accepted another reality, the family has changed. everybody has changed. people have grown-up ( some have become old!!) they have busy lives. and i have seen the sides of people i didnt know existed. nobody is perfect. everybody has negatives. but when the family ( extended and close) you have grown up with, watching, joking with, changes or rather you discover the real them, its a slight shock.

ofcourse me being me, i went to the other extreme..i saw only negatives, the oppressiveness which sometimes comes with a large family. i wanted to run away from everybody.. sometimes, i still do. with family, you have to learn to ignore, bear, accept, shrug off, stand firm with diplomacy.. and so much more. i guess i changed too.. i grew up and i wanted certain things to change with me.. obviously they wont. why does world change when i want it to be same but not change when i want it too? now i have to learn that though i didnt choose my family and though there might be a lot of things in the past, present and future that i dont like, its something i will have to deal with. this family has given me much, especially when i was young. now i am getting more individualistic.. i just have to get the balance. its a little tough.. but though i am not a 'pathetic optimist' i am not a cynic either. i feel i would find what i need. or maybe i have, its all in the mood!!!

'Supreme' experience

so after being connected with law for so long and been a student of law school for more than 6 months, i finally entered the portals of the apex court of the country. it is an impressive building.. britishers did give us some impressive architecture.. But i dont know if the building is more impressive because of its architecture or because of its status, especially to somebody in law. as you walk up the steps its easy to think that you are in a school, with everyone in uniforms and a difference between junior school students and senior school ( the senior counsel have different kinda coat and gown ). but not to me. for the first time, i didnt think black and white code is restrictive or that it would make it very boring. it would be but back then, i understood why it shouldnt be changed. as i saw people in black coats and lawyer's gown, another first, i longed to wear the gown myself. i might look foolish but in that court ( you are not supposed to wear the gown outside court), i know it would not be odd or foolish. it would distinguish you and it would make you feel at home. it would have significance. its hard to express..so i leave it to your imagination.

Inside the court room, another first ( lots of first happened there!!) - i didnt feel intimidated by the fact that i would have to stand up there and argue in front of the judge(s). public speaking is not my forte but then, i didnt even think about that. it was one of the moments when you know that decision you made was correct. for me those moments c0me far and apart and regarding this subject hasnt come for a long time.. and a judge smiling at you has a weird effect too.. maybe because v were only ones in black coats and not gowns, sitting where usually only lawyers sit ( though if empty v can sit too), maybe coz he was happy college students come to court or maybe coz we showed reactions to the arguments.. i dont know but when i think about it, it doesnt matter.. for my view of first supreme court judge, he did pretty well.

oh if you havent figured out till now, i was very impressed by the 'supreme' experience.. i am looking forward to going again. and ofcourse actually be a complete part of that place.

To my valentine( whoever you are)

They say It cant judge
that It is blind.
So if you get knocked down,
you really shouldnt mind.

They say It fulfills you
It makes you complete.
But I already have a head
two arms and two feet.

Without the drugs,
they say It gives a high.
But what is the use
so soon, it passes by.

They say It has the power
It changes a man.
to say for better or worse,
that, no one can.

They say It is a garden,
like flowers, you should tend.
I think i am nauseous
this poem, i should end.

Moments

Warning: dont expect anything great or rhyming!! on the other hand, you might recognise a few things.

One cold winter day,
One cozy bed,
One warm rajai,
And a good book to read.

A beach near the house,
Cousins all around,
Patient mothers at home,
to wash the salty clothes.

One big family,
food and games,
Through stories and tales
the young live the past.

A college canteen stairs,
One plate of fried rice,
one plate chole batura,
and 4 friends together.

The top of a hill,
A foggy sky,
one mischievous setting sun,
playing games with us.

See the snow fall,
white and glorious
In the month of May
Have a great birthday.

Atheist or Agnostic

It started when my friend asked me if i was an atheist or agnostic. my first reaction - what does agnostic mean. she said it meant a person who questions the existence of god as opposed to atheist who just doesnt believe. i later found out that the meaning was incorrect. But it was too late.. she had started me on to something.
I cant remember a time when i actually believed or the moment when i stopped. tracing back, one incident comes to mind. a school picnic and i was 12-13 years old. ghost stories being told and discussion moves on to belief in ghosts and god. most answers were no for ghosts and yes for god. i was the only person with a no for both. i remember being surprised with that statistic. i had thought that among the younger generation i was in majority. but it took that poll to tell me how stupid it was to assume. So that leads me to when.. obviously before age of 12. but i cant go further back. (i can barely remember things that happened a week ago and u want me to remember things that happened like 10 years ago!!) But what i find surprising is that my parents never said anything. i dont know how i let them know but they knew. i dont believe. But they didnt react, they didnt force anything. maybe they thought it was just a phase, a rebellion which will die a natural death or maybe i wud change when i grow up and face realities of the world. and maybe i will.. i have seen it happen or rather heard it as a story. people changed from one extreme of not going to temple at all to doing a whole trip of temples.
Maybe because my parents were not forcing me to follow their beliefs, i didnt try to force mine on them. i questioned, argued at times but overall accepted that this was a matter of belief. they believed and i didnt. nothing i say could change them. (oh but where this intelligence and understanding went later in life!) so i didnt try. time moved and i am here today where god has disappeared from my life- as a matter of belief, He/She exists as stories, myths. these days i go to temple sometimes.. to admire architectural beauty, sometimes to please my parents - on special occasions. it doesnt change me, change my beliefs but these small things, if they make my parents happy, i can oblige as they know, it doesnt change me.
So when is a question, i have not figured out.. lets just say as far as i can remember. now lets go back to the question which started all this. what am i? actually all the thinking leads back to the same answer i gave to my friend, 10 seconds after the question.. (still believing her meaning of agnostic) maybe at some point i was an agnostic, but now i am just atheist. i dont want to change anyone beliefs, i just want to be with my beliefs. u dont question me, i dont question u. (Why oh why cant i be so sensible in other things!)

The WHYs

Why, when you are in a crowd,
you are desperate to be alone.
Why, when you are finally so,
you reach for the phone.

When you are not sleepy,
why do you go to bed.
Why do you get up,
when all you want is rest.

Why, when at home
you wonder of the world.
when you are traveling
why you miss being home.

When you want to hide,
why is the world so small.
when you want to show off,
why is nobody around.

You dont know what you want
why can't you be confused.
why cant you look at the world
and feel amused.

Why is it so hard to be
who you really are.
Why do you have to pretend,
why do you have to care.

Why is your cupboard full of clothes,
yet you have nothing to wear.
Why all the things that you bought,
you now just cant bear.

Why do you watch TV
when nothing is on.
there was something worthwhile,
but its now long gone.

Moods

i am moody. i can laugh at the most nonsense of jokes or laugh for no reason. I can act completely crazy and i can also be so unapproachable in the sense that nobody can hold conversation with me beyond monosyllables and as for laughing - not gonna happen. i have known this for a very long time. But i have never understood really how and what sparks these moods. The transitions baffle me sometimes ( other times i am not in the mood to think) What is it? how do i go from a cheerful to morose in a matter of hours with no reason or a very small reason. These small triggers bring up such glumness which is hard to fathom. i dont get how the gloomy mood survives through the trauma of cheer which the world would decide then to throw at you

Now as anand suggested i might try outsourcing introspection sessions. But i am not sure i'd really want the results.. not to say other people might not be able to do a fair job even if i think i am a complex person. But the thing is i really dont think i would want to know what is the objective result.. so i continue by myself. There is no result of my introspection. There was never meant to be any.. remember, i said i have never understood. I dont think i will. Maybe its just the way i am. Its so easy to get away with things by saying this who i am. But its true. i think to some degree everybody is moody. some's mood changes are more visible. and i believe i am one of them. Should i try to change? i dont think i can.. and i dont think i want to. i love being crazy.. and if i have to take the dejected part at times, its worth it. and the last, but not the least..i am who i am!

Me and the other Me

Throughout my school life, there were two 'me'.. one at home and one at school. And the report cards from school stating i was a quiet, soft-spoken girl sent shock waves through my family. If anyone asks my family about me, a whole lot of adjectives would come out and many might surprise me but i am quite confident that 'quiet or soft-spoken' would not be used. (If they do, you would then find me at the nearby hospital, recovering from severe shock.) But why was i so at school. Ofcourse, people do try to be on their best behaviour in public.. and i wouldnt really be shouting at my teachers, now would i? But it wasnt just that. it was not a slightly more polite, subdued version of me at school. i was a completely different person. i was shy and self conscious. I never thought about the difference. i wasnt prone to much analysing those days (thats just an awful habit i picked up in recent years). Even now, i cant say much about why it was so. Things improved as i went higher up at school. But any substantial change came only in college. In college, i became one person. The person who was very much the same, both at home and outside (well not exactly.. i cant be a brat everywhere right??) Though still shy and self conscious, i was no longer the "quiet, soft-spoken girl". My 2 personalities merged and i stopped being someone else, once outside my home. Now, i am a calmer version but alteast i am still me. and the best thing is that the 'me' is just one me. I dont know why exactly and i am too lazy to inquire further.

Blow-up at a vacation

I know that blowing up in a family vacation (inclusive of uncle, aunts and cousins) is not the smartest thing to do. But i did. i dramatically walked out and left everybody wondering. But why did it happen? I tried to dismiss it as one-off incident - a result of momentary loss of self control. But, ofcourse when you try to dismiss off something wrong you did, the world will make you realise that you don't get off that easily. This time, a friend of mine directed my attention to a similar blow up i had when on a college trip 2 years back, shocking my friends who had never pictured me so. ( But they had to learn sometime right?)
So against all my original intentions and generosity towards myself in forgetting the incident altogether, i was forced to take a deeper look. So what was similar in both blow-ups? i was on a vacation with a group. Hanging out with same people the entire day, not being alone. Small irritations had been borne. There was a sorta competitive game being played. And ok so i was not particularly winning in either. But that was not it. i have never been fond of losing ( really who is?) But i have dealt with it. Oh yeah! there was some kinda obnoxious behaviour by others. ( now i dont say i have never acted like that while playing!!) and i just lost it. The difference both times was one was sudden and other was building on though carefuly hidden for some time.
So what did i finally figure out? I dont know.. i am not archimedes!! this is all my deeper look says - on the next couped up group vacation during a competitive game with blabbering people, watch out!! (especially if i am losing)