The WHYs

Why, when you are in a crowd,
you are desperate to be alone.
Why, when you are finally so,
you reach for the phone.

When you are not sleepy,
why do you go to bed.
Why do you get up,
when all you want is rest.

Why, when at home
you wonder of the world.
when you are traveling
why you miss being home.

When you want to hide,
why is the world so small.
when you want to show off,
why is nobody around.

You dont know what you want
why can't you be confused.
why cant you look at the world
and feel amused.

Why is it so hard to be
who you really are.
Why do you have to pretend,
why do you have to care.

Why is your cupboard full of clothes,
yet you have nothing to wear.
Why all the things that you bought,
you now just cant bear.

Why do you watch TV
when nothing is on.
there was something worthwhile,
but its now long gone.

Moods

i am moody. i can laugh at the most nonsense of jokes or laugh for no reason. I can act completely crazy and i can also be so unapproachable in the sense that nobody can hold conversation with me beyond monosyllables and as for laughing - not gonna happen. i have known this for a very long time. But i have never understood really how and what sparks these moods. The transitions baffle me sometimes ( other times i am not in the mood to think) What is it? how do i go from a cheerful to morose in a matter of hours with no reason or a very small reason. These small triggers bring up such glumness which is hard to fathom. i dont get how the gloomy mood survives through the trauma of cheer which the world would decide then to throw at you

Now as anand suggested i might try outsourcing introspection sessions. But i am not sure i'd really want the results.. not to say other people might not be able to do a fair job even if i think i am a complex person. But the thing is i really dont think i would want to know what is the objective result.. so i continue by myself. There is no result of my introspection. There was never meant to be any.. remember, i said i have never understood. I dont think i will. Maybe its just the way i am. Its so easy to get away with things by saying this who i am. But its true. i think to some degree everybody is moody. some's mood changes are more visible. and i believe i am one of them. Should i try to change? i dont think i can.. and i dont think i want to. i love being crazy.. and if i have to take the dejected part at times, its worth it. and the last, but not the least..i am who i am!

Me and the other Me

Throughout my school life, there were two 'me'.. one at home and one at school. And the report cards from school stating i was a quiet, soft-spoken girl sent shock waves through my family. If anyone asks my family about me, a whole lot of adjectives would come out and many might surprise me but i am quite confident that 'quiet or soft-spoken' would not be used. (If they do, you would then find me at the nearby hospital, recovering from severe shock.) But why was i so at school. Ofcourse, people do try to be on their best behaviour in public.. and i wouldnt really be shouting at my teachers, now would i? But it wasnt just that. it was not a slightly more polite, subdued version of me at school. i was a completely different person. i was shy and self conscious. I never thought about the difference. i wasnt prone to much analysing those days (thats just an awful habit i picked up in recent years). Even now, i cant say much about why it was so. Things improved as i went higher up at school. But any substantial change came only in college. In college, i became one person. The person who was very much the same, both at home and outside (well not exactly.. i cant be a brat everywhere right??) Though still shy and self conscious, i was no longer the "quiet, soft-spoken girl". My 2 personalities merged and i stopped being someone else, once outside my home. Now, i am a calmer version but alteast i am still me. and the best thing is that the 'me' is just one me. I dont know why exactly and i am too lazy to inquire further.

Blow-up at a vacation

I know that blowing up in a family vacation (inclusive of uncle, aunts and cousins) is not the smartest thing to do. But i did. i dramatically walked out and left everybody wondering. But why did it happen? I tried to dismiss it as one-off incident - a result of momentary loss of self control. But, ofcourse when you try to dismiss off something wrong you did, the world will make you realise that you don't get off that easily. This time, a friend of mine directed my attention to a similar blow up i had when on a college trip 2 years back, shocking my friends who had never pictured me so. ( But they had to learn sometime right?)
So against all my original intentions and generosity towards myself in forgetting the incident altogether, i was forced to take a deeper look. So what was similar in both blow-ups? i was on a vacation with a group. Hanging out with same people the entire day, not being alone. Small irritations had been borne. There was a sorta competitive game being played. And ok so i was not particularly winning in either. But that was not it. i have never been fond of losing ( really who is?) But i have dealt with it. Oh yeah! there was some kinda obnoxious behaviour by others. ( now i dont say i have never acted like that while playing!!) and i just lost it. The difference both times was one was sudden and other was building on though carefuly hidden for some time.
So what did i finally figure out? I dont know.. i am not archimedes!! this is all my deeper look says - on the next couped up group vacation during a competitive game with blabbering people, watch out!! (especially if i am losing)