Sunday, February 4, 2007

Atheist or Agnostic

It started when my friend asked me if i was an atheist or agnostic. my first reaction - what does agnostic mean. she said it meant a person who questions the existence of god as opposed to atheist who just doesnt believe. i later found out that the meaning was incorrect. But it was too late.. she had started me on to something.
I cant remember a time when i actually believed or the moment when i stopped. tracing back, one incident comes to mind. a school picnic and i was 12-13 years old. ghost stories being told and discussion moves on to belief in ghosts and god. most answers were no for ghosts and yes for god. i was the only person with a no for both. i remember being surprised with that statistic. i had thought that among the younger generation i was in majority. but it took that poll to tell me how stupid it was to assume. So that leads me to when.. obviously before age of 12. but i cant go further back. (i can barely remember things that happened a week ago and u want me to remember things that happened like 10 years ago!!) But what i find surprising is that my parents never said anything. i dont know how i let them know but they knew. i dont believe. But they didnt react, they didnt force anything. maybe they thought it was just a phase, a rebellion which will die a natural death or maybe i wud change when i grow up and face realities of the world. and maybe i will.. i have seen it happen or rather heard it as a story. people changed from one extreme of not going to temple at all to doing a whole trip of temples.
Maybe because my parents were not forcing me to follow their beliefs, i didnt try to force mine on them. i questioned, argued at times but overall accepted that this was a matter of belief. they believed and i didnt. nothing i say could change them. (oh but where this intelligence and understanding went later in life!) so i didnt try. time moved and i am here today where god has disappeared from my life- as a matter of belief, He/She exists as stories, myths. these days i go to temple sometimes.. to admire architectural beauty, sometimes to please my parents - on special occasions. it doesnt change me, change my beliefs but these small things, if they make my parents happy, i can oblige as they know, it doesnt change me.
So when is a question, i have not figured out.. lets just say as far as i can remember. now lets go back to the question which started all this. what am i? actually all the thinking leads back to the same answer i gave to my friend, 10 seconds after the question.. (still believing her meaning of agnostic) maybe at some point i was an agnostic, but now i am just atheist. i dont want to change anyone beliefs, i just want to be with my beliefs. u dont question me, i dont question u. (Why oh why cant i be so sensible in other things!)

2 comments:

rama srinivasan said...

ppl say belief in god is like belief in love. there is no logic or resoning behind it.
moving over ur presumed sensibility (:-P), atheism has to be seen as opposed to the absolute truth of science. The latter doesn't exist either, but do we accept that so easily?
if u believe in god, u have to believe in ghosts too (no lord without the devil).
but what about mysticism, surreality, i am not sure about that

rama srinivasan said...

this is a blog in itself