think before you write

I have accepted that I have a big mouth for certain things.. I brag about some things.. But apparently facebook has allowed my big mouth to progress to the online sphere and reach a larger audience.. i tried to avoid anything stupid.. but there i went and did it.. and it has come to bite me ages later..
And if I think about it, I deserved it. I had no right to write about my score on someone else's status.. And I cant even say it was inadvertent. I knew what I was doing.

Its the second time I have been accused of arrogance or something like that. the first time, i let it go.. But maybe its time for some self evaluation.. or better yet, time to keep my big mouth shut!!!!

The reason of it all

I am no storyteller.. Fair warning!

This is a story of a neglected child who finally decided to strike back.

There she was.. locked out of the room again. They always did that to her. Brushing her away so they could discuss 'grown up' stuff. 'You are too young' they told her. 'Only two and half years younger' she wanted to yell. But she couldnt. And now she was stuck alone with no one to play. Why couldnt they include her in their games? She knew they were just pretending to be all grown up, trying to compete with the other gang in the family. They were doing to her what this other gang did to them. They wanted to feel like adults and that they could do only if they made her feel small. Why did she even come to her aunt's house? At her home, there was the grandmother who loved her and would never tire of playing with her! She was her grandmother's favourite..

Finally they let her play with them. After being coerced, undoubtedly. Well.. its about time they learnt she wasnt all that young. But she couldnt win against them. They had picked a difficult game. How could she get back at them if she couldnt win against them? bulb flash as the grandmother enters. She started to cry. Now they would understand whats its like to be punished for no reason.

Epilogue: They all grew up and despite the scars which left their mark on their personalities, they didnt kill each other and in fact are still on talking terms.

I am

1. Selfish
2. Impatient
3. Lazy
4. not completely truthful
5. stubborn
6. short tempered
7. elitist/snob/arrogant
8. not steadfast on my principles
And I am not working on any of it!!!

I did it!!

I put my First year failure to rest with this one. I had allowed it to shake my confidence and create indifference. But i figured that this is my last chance to make it right. Plus a favourite teacher (FT)'s strongly worded advice to take part. So this time, no excuses, no indifference.. and u know what, I made it. Okay, so I didnt do something absolutely great.. but I restored my confidence. and that is great na?
And I was good.. I actually felt it. I could see the judges feel it too. In fact as it turned out I was the best there..
so thanx FT!

Another reality check!

I am not a People's person.... thats it..
Especially not at my home..
There are exceptions - people i am really comfortable with.. but otherwise i cant wait to have the home to myself!!!!!

Reasonable reasons?

Why is it that things that I am sure about have questionable motives? Most of the times, I have no idea what I want. I just go with the flow, taking whatever I get. Not really achieving something. And when I feel I do know what I want, very soon I am hit by the thought of justifying it. Because I dont know why I want it. Atleast I dont know any positive reason for wanting it. It sometimes seems as if all my decisions and dreams (whatever few i have) are based more on negativity of other things than any positive influence. Like its too hard, its expected of me, its been done before by others, I need to get away from here. Why cant I do something or want something for itself?

Its very irritating to question yourself over such things. Either you should have the ability to justify your actions to yourself or not care about the reasons for it. This halfway where I am stuck just makes life difficult. Perhaps I should learn to accept my reasons for what they are. There are not always 'right' reasons for doing something or wanting something. Sometimes, negativity is what you have.

To quit or not to quit

People always say.. 'quitters are not winners'. Makes sense... If u fail the first time, try try again.. all that is fine.. but what do you do if the activity is messing up your sleep. Its lowering your self esteem and making you feel miserable.. do you continue with something like that? Its not about fighting someone else, its about fighting self!

But one cant give up everything that causes us to question ourselves, our abilities.. leads to stress and worry. if so, we would not do anything. thats where these phrases make sense. one cant quit everytime one feels afraid, sad, hurt. You have to fight through your fear. I have had many fears - public speaking and responsibility ( in nature of organisation). I cant say i have overcome either completely but i am working on it. And i know if i shy away from everything that involves either of the two, i am going to miss out on stuff.

But what about things you feel you are not good at, that you have if not failed completely, managed not to do a great job. i am not a kid anymore. even though i am still discovering who i am, i cant expect that practice will make me perfect in everything. there are limitations i have to accept. So should i quit? i am not quitting in the middle. i completed the task i was given or almost completed ( i am gonna see it through). but there is another session for it. thats where i am wondering whether to quit. rather, i have already quit. but i am wondering whether i am being a coward or just making a choice, accepting my limitations. i dont want to feel incompetent as i had sometimes felt. Maybe everyone does. maybe everyone should at one time. But no more. i quit. it was an experience i dont want to repeat but one i dont want to be erased either. i am glad i did it. i am glad i dont have to do it again!

I've been called

i have been called a lot of things by lot of people. this is my attempt to list some of them down. Dont contribute in the comments section unless it is complimentary and as i doubt if any of you is gonna compliment me.. just forget it.

1. Brat: by family. And i cant deny it, dont want to. it comes with the territory of being the younger sister.

2. Soft-spoken: a guy who had met me once before. explains the incorrect description.

3. Intelligent, smart: i suppose i am.

4. Studious: its different from above. i do give importance to study. thats probably because of my family, and the fact that i am usually good in studies. But i am the last minute student. I am conceptually sound at most times though and people think that means i study a lot. Nope, thats just Point no 3.

5. Arrogant: Not to my face. This is second hand info and the informant took care to let me know that i am not, as did another friend. But later came a short period, the aftermath of 3 entrance results and the graduation result - did great and couldnt stop telling people. I did shut up after a few days..

6. Guru: not related to abhishek bachchan at all. This is coz i used to be the student teacher for my friends.

7. Talli-Balli: lamba mera yaar uski chotti gali - i just really like this line thats all. But the point is self explanstory, dont u think?

8. Mad: Now this is a compliment. I covered this point here.

9. Independent: by classmates. apparently i give out the vibe of being strong and capable and i can be alone with a book and music during times when my friends have classes and i dont.

10. Opinionated: a friend, who took care to point out that while she likes the fact that i have strong opinions, sometimes their way of expression may hurt another person.

11. Dominating: I figured i was a push-over in some respects. But Point 10 and 11 mixed - you get the picture.

12. Sarcastic: what can i say? its in my genes.

13. Impatient: in a haste to finish work that quality might suffer. I guess in some cases its true. i can hold this responsible for all the silly-mistakes in math.

14. Leadership quality: B is what my teachers in school gave me, i understand now. as i grew up, I have been responsible for events etc but i am still not comfortable. I like specific work.

MAD?

'You are mad!'
someone told me in the middle of a conversation. for a minute i thought he thought i was angry, but the mention of electric shock therapy got me around to the right meaning. And my reply - ' oh yeah. i take that as a compliment' and i do. it is a compliment for me. i love hearing stories about how mad i was when i was younger (but then that may be that being a large family, my stories see the light of day so few times).

am i ashamed of my silliness? ofcourse not. i once said i accepted the low feeling bcoz it meant higher highs - craziness.. and its very valuable to me. not everyone might think that insanity is a worthy claim. i beg to differ.. its very worthy. why? i dont know. maybe bcoz that makes me different (does it really?), its non-comformist, it makes me feel free.. or hundred different reasons i cant quite think of now.

PS: Now despite what people might think, i am not advocating completely senility.. i can be quite sane when required!
does this claim for sanity just prove that i am infact insane?

yak yak!!

people talk.. it seems everyone is my life has stories to tell, episodes to recount, miseries to share, emotions to describe and my job is to listen to them. and it seems to have gone to a level where i have started thinking i have nothing to say. that if by some miracle, people shut up, i would not be able to fill the void.. or is it that i just think that my life, compared to their 360 degree rollercoaster, is like a slow moving caterpiller. so i go on listening silently and actually encouraging them to speak... and i am getting irritated. i want to escape this and then people come with such complicated life stories, forcing me to yield..

you know you are hitting bottom, when you start to dread a friend's call because you are afraid of getting sucked into their life and losing yours. or maybe when your brain doesnt know what to think except your response in the monologic conversation with others.

is it so unnatural to feel this? is it really selfish to want to think about yourself more.. and if it is selfish, is that really a bad thing? i dont know what i want.. simply attention or some talking time or just the feeling that my life is worth a conversation.

Independence

I am sure the word has deeper meaning than what i am gonna talk about but self-absorption governs my brain. Independence of the kind i enjoyed recently has made a deep impression. The ability to do what you want and when you want, not being obligated to anybody else for your day. But its not so much about what i actually did. Infact apart from one thing, i dont think anybody would have any problems.. but its more of the fact that nobody could have a problem. it was my ability to do and others inability to question. No, i was not deserted on an island somewhere. But i was in a world completely new and people unfamiliar. My only connection to me (as i was or supposed to be) was a cousin ( and her husband) who thankfully were quite cool, though the cousin did have bouts of elder sister. and then there were people i met there. And they were all new acquaintances. so though you might consider it too much of imposition to ask them to do anything, it works both ways. They cant make you do what you dont want or what you are in no mood to do.. no, they cant even make you talk. If i feel like conversation, i talk or else wander alone. No one has any claims on your time. No one has an opinion on your life or the way you spent your time and even if they do, it doesnt have the demand of consideration. What i wanted to do was not just the priority, it was the only thing on the list. The world of strangers was perfect, especially when you dont feel their judgmental eyes following you. Courtesy to my hosts was all that was demanded of me, apart from some phonecalls from parents. And i am not so selfish or self absorbed as not to be able to fulfill that demand.

Maybe this happiness wouldnt have lasted if i had stayed more than what i did... but for now, i think of it nostalgically or maybe futuristically of time i may have it again.

A choice in history

In a book ( agatha christie, if u will) one of the characters ask another " so you would be ok with no monuments ( they were in Egypt, i believe) if you could know people were well fed", the condescension obvious. That makes me think. would you be ok with giving up all the historical monuments of the world in return for the better lives of people of that time. For example, would you rather not have the pyramids and ensure that people who must have died or seriously injured were safer. ( i dont know the facts but just imagining the task makes me sure there would have been enormous casualties) Closer home, would you give up the Taj Mahal if that meant that few centuries ago, thousands would not have lost their eyes or limbs. thats the question!! ofcourse one could argue that if there had been no Taj, we wouldnt know what we are missing, so it wont matter. but now that you have known and seen it, would you? there are many ways of looking at this.. historian's way, architect's way, tourism promoter way.. and then regular person's way. It can be a hard decision, it can be simple. Imagine a current situation.. would you risk people's lives, limbs so that you could build a structure which may possibly be one of the magnificent creations? If your answer is yes, the words to define you wouldnt be hard to find... i'll stick to cruel. If your answer is no, shouldnt this answer be the same for past? Ok, so you say you are ready to give up the Pyramids and Taj ( using them as samples) but can you say it without regret, without a thought to what you would lose?


Torture, risk, loss may make the decision simpler. But what if instead of the fantastic structures, you had the assurance that few centuries ago people were well fed, not stricken with extreme poverty. That instead of spending atrocious amounts of money to build ego-massaging things, money was spent on food, shelter, clothing, health care...Would you still give them up? But then again, economics tells you, that public expenditure can do more to reduce poverty than free-handouts. Ofcourse it would be better to spend it on infrastructures which apart from providing jobs to people thereby injecting money in their hands starts a process of economic development, would also mean that end product again helps the country. But then tourism forms an important part too. again, i have no facts but the petronas towers and now probably the Taipei tower would be attracting tourists, helping the economy.

So i am confused about the second part. Lets personalise it a bit more (of course we are all self-centred). Would i give up car, AC, vacations etc to give money to the needy, charity? and that makes it hard... because whatever i say, i know deep inside ( actually not even that deep inside) that i cant voluntarily give these up just for others.
But about the first part, i can say - give them up. Its not that i am not into history and historical structures.. though not a complete history or architect buff, i love to see all these... but the price is high. if given a choice, i wouldnt believe it to be worth it. yet, that doesnt make me avoid these. No point in that. The beautiful structures are there to be admired albeit they were built at a huge price. i may be a hypocrite, but thats how i feel.
I dont know what you would say, but either way, never ask the question with condescension!!

An ode to myself

In honour of my birthday, i am subjecting you to more bad poetry ( ok rama, dont sue me for using another of your labels)

As i turn 22 years old
It seems to have been foretold
No matter how much i age
i wont be a saint nor a sage
soft-spoken, i have heard someone say
unlikely even if i try, which i never may
i will never be one of the good girls
nor wear a ribbon on my curls
i can be forced to do something
but not with grace, would i be willing
No pleas would work nor any ruse
i would be stuck-up, if i so choose
an open mind or closed like a box
stubborn, maybe arrogant like an ox
but i can be funny, i can be sarcastic
a total brat if i feel like it
i am restless and quite lazy
my thoughts and wishes, usually hazy
i enjoy the ridiculous and being insane
but i am still capable of using my brain
So this is how i turned out to be
like it or not, happy birthday to me!

quarter life crisis - confusion!

I read about this thing called the quarter life crisis sometime back. I don’t know what it said now exactly, but it dealt with common problems people in their 20s face. I remember feeling thrilled because it exactly described how I felt. I was not alone. There was a whole syndrome based on it. So I sent it to all my friends. Unfortunately nobody responded. So I am back to the question.. is it just me? I guess not, because someone did send it to me.

Confusion was one of the main themes underlying the whole syndrome/crisis. It also seems to be the keyword in my life. But the crisis started as I hit 20 (quite an early start of the syndrome). By college third year, I was waging a full scale war inside of me ( how did I fight a war inside me against myself? Self destruction was inevitable and multiplied). Back and forth, I went. Finally at the last minute I made a decision which apparently everybody knew I was going to make, except me. Or maybe I did know too. Now, I am confused about my confusion then. If I thought making that decision would end this confusion, I was in for not so subtle awakening. So here I am, confused as ever, infact more now than ever before. Doubt set in early and for months I seeked reassurance which was not forthcoming. Not helped by my attempt at serious work which suffocated me too much. But when I did get a divine (?) sign that I was in the right path, the broad path broke into tiny twisted, criss-crossed little streets and I don’t know what to pick, where to go. Realizing that you have to make more choices when you had believed that your life changing decision had been made is tough. It’s unnerving. I feel like saying.. “back off! let me breath”

I don’t remember if this was part of that quarter life crisis. If not, it should be. Its called the idealism meets realism crisis. Its not that I am completely cutoff from reality. I have known for a long time that the world is definitely not idealistic, not in my sense, not in anybody else’s. But I am realizing how this reality would affect who I am. I don’t know if I will survive, would I still be me when the world starts throwing far more serious things than tough question papers. Its easy to say I have principles and I follow them now but would I remain true to them as I grow older. Disillusionment is part of life but when it makes you question everything you know of yourself, its more than just a part… it’s a crisis.

PS: usage of word crisis is my prerogative. it might seem to you to be exagerration, but thats none of my concern!

compatibility quiz

so i saw koffee with Karan - kareena kapoor and shahid kapur. after the first episode i havnt seen much of this second season. wish i had stuck to that habit. But i am not writing this to talk abt the show, or the actors or karan himself ( who i say supreme egoist by the way) but rather unwittingly it started something. he had this compatibility vivah quiz where he asked shahid various things abt kareena ( i wont even go into this) and it got me thinking if i have to judge closeness of my relationships with people through these kind of quizes, i would prob flunk all tests. i am not very observent and forget stories and facts told to me.. so how would i remember things like fav colour, actor etc unless so blatant that it is doing tap dance right under my nose!! so does it matter whether you know these things or not. normally i would say no.. ofcourse it doesnt. what matters is the relationship itself - the comfort level, the trust and readiness to be there for each other. but in the course of friendship and even family relations ( my own sis) arent i supposed to pick up some info. like if i am asked to organise a bday party for a friend, would be able to do so.. pick out songs, colour schemes, food.. i dont know. i think i do know lot of things abt very close friends and family members (seriously if you talk that much, something is bound to stick in your mind) but if you ask me specifically probably not. Fav colours - no idea abt anyone. so does that mean i am not compatible with anyone.. ( so i'll never have a vivah - doesnt sound all that bad right now). i guess not. i think some would disagree.
so what should i do? start interrogations, try and remember things when they tell me. or not bother at all about so called compatibility tests.. it doesnt matter right. it could be that the other person doesnt have specific favs.. i mean i dont have a fav colour right now, prob not so much a fav season, and other things. so no matter how close you are to me, you wont know these things abt me, coz i dont know myself. and then there are things that change with your mood. now i am not going to be a mood reader for these things... spare me i have better ways to waste my time. i should have known no good can come out of something involving kareena kapoor, shahid kapur and karan johar in an interview.

PS: in case you do care, some favourites
Book - pride and prejudice
Movie - for now Lord of the Rings ( all 3, especially 3rd - love happy endings)
Actor in terms of looks - Tom Cruise ( dont care abt how good a husband he is)
Food - chinese or italian - i think chinese might score higher.

so remember them so you can answer on the quiz about me!!!!!!

Atheist or Agnostic

It started when my friend asked me if i was an atheist or agnostic. my first reaction - what does agnostic mean. she said it meant a person who questions the existence of god as opposed to atheist who just doesnt believe. i later found out that the meaning was incorrect. But it was too late.. she had started me on to something.
I cant remember a time when i actually believed or the moment when i stopped. tracing back, one incident comes to mind. a school picnic and i was 12-13 years old. ghost stories being told and discussion moves on to belief in ghosts and god. most answers were no for ghosts and yes for god. i was the only person with a no for both. i remember being surprised with that statistic. i had thought that among the younger generation i was in majority. but it took that poll to tell me how stupid it was to assume. So that leads me to when.. obviously before age of 12. but i cant go further back. (i can barely remember things that happened a week ago and u want me to remember things that happened like 10 years ago!!) But what i find surprising is that my parents never said anything. i dont know how i let them know but they knew. i dont believe. But they didnt react, they didnt force anything. maybe they thought it was just a phase, a rebellion which will die a natural death or maybe i wud change when i grow up and face realities of the world. and maybe i will.. i have seen it happen or rather heard it as a story. people changed from one extreme of not going to temple at all to doing a whole trip of temples.
Maybe because my parents were not forcing me to follow their beliefs, i didnt try to force mine on them. i questioned, argued at times but overall accepted that this was a matter of belief. they believed and i didnt. nothing i say could change them. (oh but where this intelligence and understanding went later in life!) so i didnt try. time moved and i am here today where god has disappeared from my life- as a matter of belief, He/She exists as stories, myths. these days i go to temple sometimes.. to admire architectural beauty, sometimes to please my parents - on special occasions. it doesnt change me, change my beliefs but these small things, if they make my parents happy, i can oblige as they know, it doesnt change me.
So when is a question, i have not figured out.. lets just say as far as i can remember. now lets go back to the question which started all this. what am i? actually all the thinking leads back to the same answer i gave to my friend, 10 seconds after the question.. (still believing her meaning of agnostic) maybe at some point i was an agnostic, but now i am just atheist. i dont want to change anyone beliefs, i just want to be with my beliefs. u dont question me, i dont question u. (Why oh why cant i be so sensible in other things!)

Moods

i am moody. i can laugh at the most nonsense of jokes or laugh for no reason. I can act completely crazy and i can also be so unapproachable in the sense that nobody can hold conversation with me beyond monosyllables and as for laughing - not gonna happen. i have known this for a very long time. But i have never understood really how and what sparks these moods. The transitions baffle me sometimes ( other times i am not in the mood to think) What is it? how do i go from a cheerful to morose in a matter of hours with no reason or a very small reason. These small triggers bring up such glumness which is hard to fathom. i dont get how the gloomy mood survives through the trauma of cheer which the world would decide then to throw at you

Now as anand suggested i might try outsourcing introspection sessions. But i am not sure i'd really want the results.. not to say other people might not be able to do a fair job even if i think i am a complex person. But the thing is i really dont think i would want to know what is the objective result.. so i continue by myself. There is no result of my introspection. There was never meant to be any.. remember, i said i have never understood. I dont think i will. Maybe its just the way i am. Its so easy to get away with things by saying this who i am. But its true. i think to some degree everybody is moody. some's mood changes are more visible. and i believe i am one of them. Should i try to change? i dont think i can.. and i dont think i want to. i love being crazy.. and if i have to take the dejected part at times, its worth it. and the last, but not the least..i am who i am!

Me and the other Me

Throughout my school life, there were two 'me'.. one at home and one at school. And the report cards from school stating i was a quiet, soft-spoken girl sent shock waves through my family. If anyone asks my family about me, a whole lot of adjectives would come out and many might surprise me but i am quite confident that 'quiet or soft-spoken' would not be used. (If they do, you would then find me at the nearby hospital, recovering from severe shock.) But why was i so at school. Ofcourse, people do try to be on their best behaviour in public.. and i wouldnt really be shouting at my teachers, now would i? But it wasnt just that. it was not a slightly more polite, subdued version of me at school. i was a completely different person. i was shy and self conscious. I never thought about the difference. i wasnt prone to much analysing those days (thats just an awful habit i picked up in recent years). Even now, i cant say much about why it was so. Things improved as i went higher up at school. But any substantial change came only in college. In college, i became one person. The person who was very much the same, both at home and outside (well not exactly.. i cant be a brat everywhere right??) Though still shy and self conscious, i was no longer the "quiet, soft-spoken girl". My 2 personalities merged and i stopped being someone else, once outside my home. Now, i am a calmer version but alteast i am still me. and the best thing is that the 'me' is just one me. I dont know why exactly and i am too lazy to inquire further.

Blow-up at a vacation

I know that blowing up in a family vacation (inclusive of uncle, aunts and cousins) is not the smartest thing to do. But i did. i dramatically walked out and left everybody wondering. But why did it happen? I tried to dismiss it as one-off incident - a result of momentary loss of self control. But, ofcourse when you try to dismiss off something wrong you did, the world will make you realise that you don't get off that easily. This time, a friend of mine directed my attention to a similar blow up i had when on a college trip 2 years back, shocking my friends who had never pictured me so. ( But they had to learn sometime right?)
So against all my original intentions and generosity towards myself in forgetting the incident altogether, i was forced to take a deeper look. So what was similar in both blow-ups? i was on a vacation with a group. Hanging out with same people the entire day, not being alone. Small irritations had been borne. There was a sorta competitive game being played. And ok so i was not particularly winning in either. But that was not it. i have never been fond of losing ( really who is?) But i have dealt with it. Oh yeah! there was some kinda obnoxious behaviour by others. ( now i dont say i have never acted like that while playing!!) and i just lost it. The difference both times was one was sudden and other was building on though carefuly hidden for some time.
So what did i finally figure out? I dont know.. i am not archimedes!! this is all my deeper look says - on the next couped up group vacation during a competitive game with blabbering people, watch out!! (especially if i am losing)