Coming home to reality?

Some things never change and you fit right back into it like you were never gone. Me and TV are a great example.
But some things have changed and I dont even know the full extent of it yet. They come slowly one by one till you are left wondering what has happened to your life. Creating doubts about what you want from life.
How much can one year change you? Maybe a lot, maybe not at all.
Who am I? the person i was before this year, the person i was during this year or some amalgamation of the two i still have to find. Ask me a few months from now!

English is a very phunny language

How did we let our English teachers get away without explaining all this??
1. Why is put pronounced differently than cut, rut, gut, hut, nut?
2. Why is go, so, no different from to, do?
3. How can know and no sound same and Why doesnt know and snow sound similar to now?
4. Why does tough and rough have f sound wheras though and dough dont?
5. Why do we have to use ph when we have a letter f?
6. How can read have two pronunciations? why cant you write past tense read as red or write the present tense read as reed?
7. Why does while need h but wide doesnt?
8. Why does I need a plural verb? and if so, why is it I was and not I were?
9. what is the right pronunciation of vase?
10. Why does dove (as in the bird) and dove (as in verb) have different pronunciation?

And i wonder how grown manage to learn this language?

2009 mandate

So the third front did not win. The thought of Lalu Prasad, Mayawati, Sharad pawar or Jayalalitha becoming PM is postponed to another day.

So the mandate is fairly decisive. Its not a fractured vote. Its not a hung parliament.

So the Congress won and Manmohan Singh became the first PM after Jawaharlal Nehru to come back after a 5 year term.

So the BJP did not win though Varun Gandhi managed to win.

So I for the first time sat glued to the news figuring out what is happening.

So??? I guess I am happy.

Farewell

What am I supposed to feel as I say goodbye to the University and campus I have been part of the past 6 years?
The 6 years gave me friends, some great and some not so great teachers, wonderful memories, confidence, responsibilities that I was always tensed about but which I have always been grateful for after I have accomplished it. I learned so much but most importantly I learned about the person I am. Its an end of an era. And now I begin the rest of my life. Which sounds exhilarating and frightening at the same time.
But as I said goodbye to this important part of my life, I was waiting for some emotion to hit me. Nostalgia, relief, happiness anything. But I felt nothing. It was strange. However I discover that I have one more chance for goodbye. As I meet my friends (who finish exams tom) in college, we can all begin our new lives together.

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.

???

Sometimes, I dont know what I feel. and that just makes it harder. If I know I am depressed or miserable, I can deal with it. if I am angry or irritated, I can justify my actions. if I am restless even, at least I know. but now, i just dont know. its as if i am feeling everything at once and its confusing the hell out of me. I am a little miserable about who i am, i am angry at others for who they are, i am apprehensive about where i am headed. I feel weird about how old i am. I am worried about my future. I cant talk to others and i cant listen to them either. Is all of this confusing me or is it something else that is manifesting itself in these varied forms? i wish life was simpler. i wish i was back in school. My school was pretty good, though it was in college that i started to find myself and real, close friends. But right now, school is very attractive - for its stability and continuity of year after year, of no decision making, of homework and exams from that i did so well, of free afternoons and evenings, of no responsibility inside or outside house. and most of all, i never had to think about my emotions, about how i felt. i had my ups and downs but i dont remember ever encountering depression or anger that wasnt targetted at something specific or worry/ tension about future.. most of all, i never had encounter not knowing who i was or what i was feeling. that is blessing that i realise the importance of. i now understand why people get nostalgic about their childhood.. and perhaps thats what it is. i am not ready to finally put any childhood aside and become an adult.

Birthday blog

My blog's first birthday. I dont know why i started this blog. I am not much of a writer. I dont know why I named it 'world of my own'. I dont know why i changed it to 'surrounding me with me'. But i think it is quite appropriate. This blog is about me. well, so are most blogs, u say. But my posts are all about me. they are not just my take on the world but its a take on the world that affects me. i dont talk much of the outside world unless it directly affects me. i have other forums to discuss outside world, even if it leads to a heated arguement or even a full blown fight. But none for just myself. Every conversation involves others' views, their life. but here, while comments express others' views (and which i quite like reading), however they have to wait till i finish my say. even then, its still about me. In this blog, I have done self analysis, spouted my philosophies, or just ranted.



Maybe i am self-absorbed, but its a vice i dont want to give up. i havent always been able to talk about myself the way i have in these posts. (and even if i did want to talk, nobody is likely to listen) so i used this way to express. Its a rant that nobody can stop and much 'saner' than talking to air. others, interested enough to read the blog, can understand some part of me without awkwardness of speech.


So the blog is really my own world. its about surrounding myself with me, my thoughts, my opinions, my introspection, my stories, my rants and my blahs. So Happy Birthday Blog!

Memories

My memories can be classified into groups- those that i remember - there is an image in my mind or my feeling then.. like sitting in the winter sun with grandma, playing pittoo in a park (again in winter), Diwali card games, scratching my legs in the cement slope-cum-slide and so many others. and then those that i dont remember myself (so technically its not my memory!). its the stories i have heard from others about me. About how i cried and cried so my father had to rush home, take me to a doctor and then i stopped crying while they were still explaining to him what happened, finding amusement in my father's keys. While i know the story, i prefer to hear it from others, because i can listen to their voice and tone and get a feel of the memory.

And then the third group - the ones i am unsure of.. i can remember them but i cant figure out if they are really my memories or is it that i have heard them so often that they have become part of my brain and i am imagining how i must have felt or how it must have been. With a large family, its a given that one story would get repeated often, especially with my family. so if we commit a blooper be prepared for a lifetime of constantly hearing about it. Its now difficult to distinguish my memory from them. Maybe the stories have overshadowed my own version and thats why i am unsure of whether i really remember.. or maybe i dont have a version of myself. i dont know. Like seeing QSQT 3 times a day for a whole month. it seems like a physical and mental impossibility.. and me being a sucker for happy endings.. it seems a weird choice. But there it is. i rememeber we borrowed the video from a neighbour but as for actually seeing it, i cant tell for sure whether its my memory. Like how i used to say Parrot while others were playing countries Antakshari. These are so agonisingly close that i almost remember them.. maybe i do.. its just i cant say for sure.

Does it matter? maybe not. I do have the stories. and i can repeat them anytime. But maybe it would be nice to have an image or a feeling that i was sure was original!

i want to run away

From crappy teachers, administration
poor infrastructure, stupid system
i want to run away

From crowded broken down buses
the yelling haggling people
i want to run away

From indifferent and callous public
yet with rising mob mentality
i want to run away

From irrational obsessions
corruption and politics
i want to run away

From family expectations
demand of conformity
i want to run away

From questions unanswered
or worse brushed aside
i want to run away

Books!

i love books. ok, so i dont read the intellectual, real literature or whatever it is you call that, though through attempts of others, i have wavered into the territory.

but lately i have gone off books. ok so i read the latest harry potter. that took me a day ( a day which went into 4 in the morning of next day). but no other books. i have been repeating old books.. trusted old books, where i can pick any page and know where i am in the story. and its not that there is shortage of books.. i have loads of new books just standing there, waiting for the precious moment when i will pick them up and not put them back. and they are interesting books.. and its not like i dont have time at all. i have the evenings and travel to and from college. i dont know what has happened. would a fast-paced thriller which keeps one glued, break this? (where is a good jeffrey archer when you need one!).

so why is this happening? is it that i dont want to use my brains much (keep off the comments!). like i dont want to think. or is it just pure laziness to commit hours to this. with old books, i can leave them at any time and not worry as i know exactly what will happen next. or is it that for the moment, i find the books boring? maybe thats why agatha christie ( what have i not read yet???), jeffrey archer, john grisham etc kinda books will work. they are quick and gripping.

but i want to get back to my books. i look at them everyday and wonder when i will start on them. now i know its a good idea to have unread books around, but there are lots now. so i better get to it.. maybe if i start, the flow will come. i hope so!!