God and Religion

Would I have believed in God if there was no religion?
Seems a little odd but if you think about it, not really.. God and religion are two different beliefs and this concept should not be difficult to understand given the number of religions existing. Imagine that there was no religious superstition and the utter nonsense that is/was being preached. Maybe I would have believed in a divine being if it were not for the trappings of rules of behaviour necessarily attached to it and used for the profit of certain hypocritical class of people and advocating the oppression of others. Maybe the concepts of nature and luck could have been attributed to this divine being and it could be comforting to believe that there was a superior being in this chaos world.

Maybe not. I would still need a justification for believing in the existence of such a being and I see none. I dont believe that god created the world or that He/She controls our destiny and I definately dont believe in any form of heaven/hell and Judgment Day. And I think it would be more discomforting to believe that this chaotic world is existing with the superior being than without it. And as far as I can remember, my athiesm was not a reaction to the religion. It was probably there before my reasoning abilities kicked in.

The Weight of expectations

Is it harder when people have great expectations of you?

It seems as if I am more afraid of letting them down than I am of making a fool of myself! When somebody picks you especially and tells you they trust you completely to handle it, that they think you are the best option... it made me feel good but now it just makes me feel uneasy.

On the other hand when people have no expectations, when you are doing something entirely for yourself then you have only your expectations to deal with.. and somehow you manage..

So what do I do now... the best I can, hope for the best and if things dont go as i hope.. bury myself in a corner with Booze!!

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.

Best thing about Sunday

Is Saturday!!!
I have college on saturdays too.. but i dont work on saturday.. So that means that my weekend starts on saturday afternoon. Sundays may be a full holiday but always in the back of your mind, you know that the next day is monday - back to the grind. but Saturday, oh saturday - you know that tomorrow is off.. There is nothing in the back of your mind.. infact there is nothing in your mind except for the thought of getting up late tomorrow. I can be up late into the night because i dont have to get up at inhumane time of 630 am. Evenings are my time. I was born in the evening. and there is a saying that time of your birth determines which is your time of the day; Mornings are definately not my time. i take ages to get up and get ready which means i have to set my alarm atleast an hour and 15 min before i intend to leave ( which gets delayed by atleast 10 min). and i am grumpier coz i couldnt sleep for longer. Now on the other hand, evenings is great. i get active then. but since day starts in the morning - by the time evening comes, there is tiredness to reckon with and so instead of being active i am just restless.. but saturdays - wonderful: not tired because tom is off.. i have the entire day to relax.
And night: though i was born in evening, night is also my time. I think i like the quietness of the time. no disruptions, no disturbances. Uninterrupted TV, computer, reading... Great!!
I love Saturday evenings and nights!
too bad its a whole 5 days away!

MAD?

'You are mad!'
someone told me in the middle of a conversation. for a minute i thought he thought i was angry, but the mention of electric shock therapy got me around to the right meaning. And my reply - ' oh yeah. i take that as a compliment' and i do. it is a compliment for me. i love hearing stories about how mad i was when i was younger (but then that may be that being a large family, my stories see the light of day so few times).

am i ashamed of my silliness? ofcourse not. i once said i accepted the low feeling bcoz it meant higher highs - craziness.. and its very valuable to me. not everyone might think that insanity is a worthy claim. i beg to differ.. its very worthy. why? i dont know. maybe bcoz that makes me different (does it really?), its non-comformist, it makes me feel free.. or hundred different reasons i cant quite think of now.

PS: Now despite what people might think, i am not advocating completely senility.. i can be quite sane when required!
does this claim for sanity just prove that i am infact insane?

Thing about moms!

This is essentially a mother - daughter relation. Having a sister and no brothers (and i am very grateful for that), i dont know how a mother-son relation would work. but this is some of things i have observed..

1. You have the maximum fights with mom (with possible exception of sister)
2. As much as you fight and as mad as you get, its hard to stay mad for a long time. i have tried to be so, believe me.
3. Though it seems like she never understands, she surprises you. She does understand.
4. She might disagree with you and diapprove, but she always defends you in front of others.
5. She never buys your arguement of shortage of clothes and makes outrageous suggestions about what to wear and what to buy.
6. When she knows you really dont want to do something, she doesnt force you ( she does force you to do lot of other things though). She would even make excuses for you, sometimes even to your father.
7. She(true of parents as such i guess) is proud of what you have done, however small it might be and can be embarrasing in showing off.
8. She is always after you to eat, it doesnt matter if you are not hungry.
9. Even if you have to cajole, pressurise and force it out of her, a nod from her means you can enjoy the expensive and probably worthless article without guilt ( especially when you dont earn)
10. Moms have the best ability to calm your nerves, especially before exams. (i havent had to test that theory much.. but i believe it)
11. If you cant find something, you always call out to her, though there is no earthly reason why she should know where it is.
12. She knows when you have a "mood-out".
13. Though you tell her not to bother, but when she cleans your cupboard ( she tried to get you to do it, but ofcourse you dont), you are quite pleased with her organization of your clothes.

quarter life crisis - confusion!

I read about this thing called the quarter life crisis sometime back. I don’t know what it said now exactly, but it dealt with common problems people in their 20s face. I remember feeling thrilled because it exactly described how I felt. I was not alone. There was a whole syndrome based on it. So I sent it to all my friends. Unfortunately nobody responded. So I am back to the question.. is it just me? I guess not, because someone did send it to me.

Confusion was one of the main themes underlying the whole syndrome/crisis. It also seems to be the keyword in my life. But the crisis started as I hit 20 (quite an early start of the syndrome). By college third year, I was waging a full scale war inside of me ( how did I fight a war inside me against myself? Self destruction was inevitable and multiplied). Back and forth, I went. Finally at the last minute I made a decision which apparently everybody knew I was going to make, except me. Or maybe I did know too. Now, I am confused about my confusion then. If I thought making that decision would end this confusion, I was in for not so subtle awakening. So here I am, confused as ever, infact more now than ever before. Doubt set in early and for months I seeked reassurance which was not forthcoming. Not helped by my attempt at serious work which suffocated me too much. But when I did get a divine (?) sign that I was in the right path, the broad path broke into tiny twisted, criss-crossed little streets and I don’t know what to pick, where to go. Realizing that you have to make more choices when you had believed that your life changing decision had been made is tough. It’s unnerving. I feel like saying.. “back off! let me breath”

I don’t remember if this was part of that quarter life crisis. If not, it should be. Its called the idealism meets realism crisis. Its not that I am completely cutoff from reality. I have known for a long time that the world is definitely not idealistic, not in my sense, not in anybody else’s. But I am realizing how this reality would affect who I am. I don’t know if I will survive, would I still be me when the world starts throwing far more serious things than tough question papers. Its easy to say I have principles and I follow them now but would I remain true to them as I grow older. Disillusionment is part of life but when it makes you question everything you know of yourself, its more than just a part… it’s a crisis.

PS: usage of word crisis is my prerogative. it might seem to you to be exagerration, but thats none of my concern!

compatibility quiz

so i saw koffee with Karan - kareena kapoor and shahid kapur. after the first episode i havnt seen much of this second season. wish i had stuck to that habit. But i am not writing this to talk abt the show, or the actors or karan himself ( who i say supreme egoist by the way) but rather unwittingly it started something. he had this compatibility vivah quiz where he asked shahid various things abt kareena ( i wont even go into this) and it got me thinking if i have to judge closeness of my relationships with people through these kind of quizes, i would prob flunk all tests. i am not very observent and forget stories and facts told to me.. so how would i remember things like fav colour, actor etc unless so blatant that it is doing tap dance right under my nose!! so does it matter whether you know these things or not. normally i would say no.. ofcourse it doesnt. what matters is the relationship itself - the comfort level, the trust and readiness to be there for each other. but in the course of friendship and even family relations ( my own sis) arent i supposed to pick up some info. like if i am asked to organise a bday party for a friend, would be able to do so.. pick out songs, colour schemes, food.. i dont know. i think i do know lot of things abt very close friends and family members (seriously if you talk that much, something is bound to stick in your mind) but if you ask me specifically probably not. Fav colours - no idea abt anyone. so does that mean i am not compatible with anyone.. ( so i'll never have a vivah - doesnt sound all that bad right now). i guess not. i think some would disagree.
so what should i do? start interrogations, try and remember things when they tell me. or not bother at all about so called compatibility tests.. it doesnt matter right. it could be that the other person doesnt have specific favs.. i mean i dont have a fav colour right now, prob not so much a fav season, and other things. so no matter how close you are to me, you wont know these things abt me, coz i dont know myself. and then there are things that change with your mood. now i am not going to be a mood reader for these things... spare me i have better ways to waste my time. i should have known no good can come out of something involving kareena kapoor, shahid kapur and karan johar in an interview.

PS: in case you do care, some favourites
Book - pride and prejudice
Movie - for now Lord of the Rings ( all 3, especially 3rd - love happy endings)
Actor in terms of looks - Tom Cruise ( dont care abt how good a husband he is)
Food - chinese or italian - i think chinese might score higher.

so remember them so you can answer on the quiz about me!!!!!!

family

Holi is here. not that i celebrate it. but it took my mind to festivals and diwali. diwali has been the most celebrated festival ( i think navratri gives a very good competition) but if you ask me to pick, i'll pick diwali anyday. guess its to do with past. i think rama/renu talked about diwali in her post sometime back. It used to be great fun. card-games, sleepovers, early morning bath, new clothes..and for sometime firecrackers too (stopped bursting long time back though). but its all changed. i dont think i'll ever get to have those diwali back. its too different now.. i am not very fond of change. i am conservative that way. i am not impulsive and i cant change my thinking, my views, my schedule very easily. so accepting this reality also took a long time. but with my realisation mode in over-drive, i accepted another reality, the family has changed. everybody has changed. people have grown-up ( some have become old!!) they have busy lives. and i have seen the sides of people i didnt know existed. nobody is perfect. everybody has negatives. but when the family ( extended and close) you have grown up with, watching, joking with, changes or rather you discover the real them, its a slight shock.

ofcourse me being me, i went to the other extreme..i saw only negatives, the oppressiveness which sometimes comes with a large family. i wanted to run away from everybody.. sometimes, i still do. with family, you have to learn to ignore, bear, accept, shrug off, stand firm with diplomacy.. and so much more. i guess i changed too.. i grew up and i wanted certain things to change with me.. obviously they wont. why does world change when i want it to be same but not change when i want it too? now i have to learn that though i didnt choose my family and though there might be a lot of things in the past, present and future that i dont like, its something i will have to deal with. this family has given me much, especially when i was young. now i am getting more individualistic.. i just have to get the balance. its a little tough.. but though i am not a 'pathetic optimist' i am not a cynic either. i feel i would find what i need. or maybe i have, its all in the mood!!!

Atheist or Agnostic

It started when my friend asked me if i was an atheist or agnostic. my first reaction - what does agnostic mean. she said it meant a person who questions the existence of god as opposed to atheist who just doesnt believe. i later found out that the meaning was incorrect. But it was too late.. she had started me on to something.
I cant remember a time when i actually believed or the moment when i stopped. tracing back, one incident comes to mind. a school picnic and i was 12-13 years old. ghost stories being told and discussion moves on to belief in ghosts and god. most answers were no for ghosts and yes for god. i was the only person with a no for both. i remember being surprised with that statistic. i had thought that among the younger generation i was in majority. but it took that poll to tell me how stupid it was to assume. So that leads me to when.. obviously before age of 12. but i cant go further back. (i can barely remember things that happened a week ago and u want me to remember things that happened like 10 years ago!!) But what i find surprising is that my parents never said anything. i dont know how i let them know but they knew. i dont believe. But they didnt react, they didnt force anything. maybe they thought it was just a phase, a rebellion which will die a natural death or maybe i wud change when i grow up and face realities of the world. and maybe i will.. i have seen it happen or rather heard it as a story. people changed from one extreme of not going to temple at all to doing a whole trip of temples.
Maybe because my parents were not forcing me to follow their beliefs, i didnt try to force mine on them. i questioned, argued at times but overall accepted that this was a matter of belief. they believed and i didnt. nothing i say could change them. (oh but where this intelligence and understanding went later in life!) so i didnt try. time moved and i am here today where god has disappeared from my life- as a matter of belief, He/She exists as stories, myths. these days i go to temple sometimes.. to admire architectural beauty, sometimes to please my parents - on special occasions. it doesnt change me, change my beliefs but these small things, if they make my parents happy, i can oblige as they know, it doesnt change me.
So when is a question, i have not figured out.. lets just say as far as i can remember. now lets go back to the question which started all this. what am i? actually all the thinking leads back to the same answer i gave to my friend, 10 seconds after the question.. (still believing her meaning of agnostic) maybe at some point i was an agnostic, but now i am just atheist. i dont want to change anyone beliefs, i just want to be with my beliefs. u dont question me, i dont question u. (Why oh why cant i be so sensible in other things!)

The WHYs

Why, when you are in a crowd,
you are desperate to be alone.
Why, when you are finally so,
you reach for the phone.

When you are not sleepy,
why do you go to bed.
Why do you get up,
when all you want is rest.

Why, when at home
you wonder of the world.
when you are traveling
why you miss being home.

When you want to hide,
why is the world so small.
when you want to show off,
why is nobody around.

You dont know what you want
why can't you be confused.
why cant you look at the world
and feel amused.

Why is it so hard to be
who you really are.
Why do you have to pretend,
why do you have to care.

Why is your cupboard full of clothes,
yet you have nothing to wear.
Why all the things that you bought,
you now just cant bear.

Why do you watch TV
when nothing is on.
there was something worthwhile,
but its now long gone.