???

Sometimes, I dont know what I feel. and that just makes it harder. If I know I am depressed or miserable, I can deal with it. if I am angry or irritated, I can justify my actions. if I am restless even, at least I know. but now, i just dont know. its as if i am feeling everything at once and its confusing the hell out of me. I am a little miserable about who i am, i am angry at others for who they are, i am apprehensive about where i am headed. I feel weird about how old i am. I am worried about my future. I cant talk to others and i cant listen to them either. Is all of this confusing me or is it something else that is manifesting itself in these varied forms? i wish life was simpler. i wish i was back in school. My school was pretty good, though it was in college that i started to find myself and real, close friends. But right now, school is very attractive - for its stability and continuity of year after year, of no decision making, of homework and exams from that i did so well, of free afternoons and evenings, of no responsibility inside or outside house. and most of all, i never had to think about my emotions, about how i felt. i had my ups and downs but i dont remember ever encountering depression or anger that wasnt targetted at something specific or worry/ tension about future.. most of all, i never had encounter not knowing who i was or what i was feeling. that is blessing that i realise the importance of. i now understand why people get nostalgic about their childhood.. and perhaps thats what it is. i am not ready to finally put any childhood aside and become an adult.

To quit or not to quit

People always say.. 'quitters are not winners'. Makes sense... If u fail the first time, try try again.. all that is fine.. but what do you do if the activity is messing up your sleep. Its lowering your self esteem and making you feel miserable.. do you continue with something like that? Its not about fighting someone else, its about fighting self!

But one cant give up everything that causes us to question ourselves, our abilities.. leads to stress and worry. if so, we would not do anything. thats where these phrases make sense. one cant quit everytime one feels afraid, sad, hurt. You have to fight through your fear. I have had many fears - public speaking and responsibility ( in nature of organisation). I cant say i have overcome either completely but i am working on it. And i know if i shy away from everything that involves either of the two, i am going to miss out on stuff.

But what about things you feel you are not good at, that you have if not failed completely, managed not to do a great job. i am not a kid anymore. even though i am still discovering who i am, i cant expect that practice will make me perfect in everything. there are limitations i have to accept. So should i quit? i am not quitting in the middle. i completed the task i was given or almost completed ( i am gonna see it through). but there is another session for it. thats where i am wondering whether to quit. rather, i have already quit. but i am wondering whether i am being a coward or just making a choice, accepting my limitations. i dont want to feel incompetent as i had sometimes felt. Maybe everyone does. maybe everyone should at one time. But no more. i quit. it was an experience i dont want to repeat but one i dont want to be erased either. i am glad i did it. i am glad i dont have to do it again!

Birthday blog

My blog's first birthday. I dont know why i started this blog. I am not much of a writer. I dont know why I named it 'world of my own'. I dont know why i changed it to 'surrounding me with me'. But i think it is quite appropriate. This blog is about me. well, so are most blogs, u say. But my posts are all about me. they are not just my take on the world but its a take on the world that affects me. i dont talk much of the outside world unless it directly affects me. i have other forums to discuss outside world, even if it leads to a heated arguement or even a full blown fight. But none for just myself. Every conversation involves others' views, their life. but here, while comments express others' views (and which i quite like reading), however they have to wait till i finish my say. even then, its still about me. In this blog, I have done self analysis, spouted my philosophies, or just ranted.



Maybe i am self-absorbed, but its a vice i dont want to give up. i havent always been able to talk about myself the way i have in these posts. (and even if i did want to talk, nobody is likely to listen) so i used this way to express. Its a rant that nobody can stop and much 'saner' than talking to air. others, interested enough to read the blog, can understand some part of me without awkwardness of speech.


So the blog is really my own world. its about surrounding myself with me, my thoughts, my opinions, my introspection, my stories, my rants and my blahs. So Happy Birthday Blog!

Exams

Its amazing how you can have an exam coming up and still have enough time to watch tv, be on internet, even contemplate watching a movie. and i did see movie in my previous semester exam!!

While it can be argued that since exams are nothing but a check of what u have learnt in the year so it should be easy... but we all know that aint the reason.. Especially considering i dont remember what was taught in the semester, and i blame the teachers we had.. There is just something about this course that people find easy to study for. Could be the dukki we have... a thin guide like book to be read for the whole paper.. and predictable question papers that are churned out.. so u can analyse and predict what will come and what wont. i pride myself on that analysis, though i end up studying enough to answer 7 of the 8 questions instead of just 5 (the required amount). So this time they decided to complicate matters by getting a compulsory question in. 4 out of 5 short 5 mark questions from anywhere... to get ppl to study more, that is if they cared about those marks. and make a common paper for 3 centres so pattern of question varies a little.

As a education evaluator, i think its a good idea to make sure ppl study more.. as a student i think its shamful the way they are complicating things. As me, i dont care. i realised it wont make a difference to how i study or how much i study.

But in the mean time, i really do enjoy this free time exams..

I've been called

i have been called a lot of things by lot of people. this is my attempt to list some of them down. Dont contribute in the comments section unless it is complimentary and as i doubt if any of you is gonna compliment me.. just forget it.

1. Brat: by family. And i cant deny it, dont want to. it comes with the territory of being the younger sister.

2. Soft-spoken: a guy who had met me once before. explains the incorrect description.

3. Intelligent, smart: i suppose i am.

4. Studious: its different from above. i do give importance to study. thats probably because of my family, and the fact that i am usually good in studies. But i am the last minute student. I am conceptually sound at most times though and people think that means i study a lot. Nope, thats just Point no 3.

5. Arrogant: Not to my face. This is second hand info and the informant took care to let me know that i am not, as did another friend. But later came a short period, the aftermath of 3 entrance results and the graduation result - did great and couldnt stop telling people. I did shut up after a few days..

6. Guru: not related to abhishek bachchan at all. This is coz i used to be the student teacher for my friends.

7. Talli-Balli: lamba mera yaar uski chotti gali - i just really like this line thats all. But the point is self explanstory, dont u think?

8. Mad: Now this is a compliment. I covered this point here.

9. Independent: by classmates. apparently i give out the vibe of being strong and capable and i can be alone with a book and music during times when my friends have classes and i dont.

10. Opinionated: a friend, who took care to point out that while she likes the fact that i have strong opinions, sometimes their way of expression may hurt another person.

11. Dominating: I figured i was a push-over in some respects. But Point 10 and 11 mixed - you get the picture.

12. Sarcastic: what can i say? its in my genes.

13. Impatient: in a haste to finish work that quality might suffer. I guess in some cases its true. i can hold this responsible for all the silly-mistakes in math.

14. Leadership quality: B is what my teachers in school gave me, i understand now. as i grew up, I have been responsible for events etc but i am still not comfortable. I like specific work.

Memories

My memories can be classified into groups- those that i remember - there is an image in my mind or my feeling then.. like sitting in the winter sun with grandma, playing pittoo in a park (again in winter), Diwali card games, scratching my legs in the cement slope-cum-slide and so many others. and then those that i dont remember myself (so technically its not my memory!). its the stories i have heard from others about me. About how i cried and cried so my father had to rush home, take me to a doctor and then i stopped crying while they were still explaining to him what happened, finding amusement in my father's keys. While i know the story, i prefer to hear it from others, because i can listen to their voice and tone and get a feel of the memory.

And then the third group - the ones i am unsure of.. i can remember them but i cant figure out if they are really my memories or is it that i have heard them so often that they have become part of my brain and i am imagining how i must have felt or how it must have been. With a large family, its a given that one story would get repeated often, especially with my family. so if we commit a blooper be prepared for a lifetime of constantly hearing about it. Its now difficult to distinguish my memory from them. Maybe the stories have overshadowed my own version and thats why i am unsure of whether i really remember.. or maybe i dont have a version of myself. i dont know. Like seeing QSQT 3 times a day for a whole month. it seems like a physical and mental impossibility.. and me being a sucker for happy endings.. it seems a weird choice. But there it is. i rememeber we borrowed the video from a neighbour but as for actually seeing it, i cant tell for sure whether its my memory. Like how i used to say Parrot while others were playing countries Antakshari. These are so agonisingly close that i almost remember them.. maybe i do.. its just i cant say for sure.

Does it matter? maybe not. I do have the stories. and i can repeat them anytime. But maybe it would be nice to have an image or a feeling that i was sure was original!

Best thing about Sunday

Is Saturday!!!
I have college on saturdays too.. but i dont work on saturday.. So that means that my weekend starts on saturday afternoon. Sundays may be a full holiday but always in the back of your mind, you know that the next day is monday - back to the grind. but Saturday, oh saturday - you know that tomorrow is off.. There is nothing in the back of your mind.. infact there is nothing in your mind except for the thought of getting up late tomorrow. I can be up late into the night because i dont have to get up at inhumane time of 630 am. Evenings are my time. I was born in the evening. and there is a saying that time of your birth determines which is your time of the day; Mornings are definately not my time. i take ages to get up and get ready which means i have to set my alarm atleast an hour and 15 min before i intend to leave ( which gets delayed by atleast 10 min). and i am grumpier coz i couldnt sleep for longer. Now on the other hand, evenings is great. i get active then. but since day starts in the morning - by the time evening comes, there is tiredness to reckon with and so instead of being active i am just restless.. but saturdays - wonderful: not tired because tom is off.. i have the entire day to relax.
And night: though i was born in evening, night is also my time. I think i like the quietness of the time. no disruptions, no disturbances. Uninterrupted TV, computer, reading... Great!!
I love Saturday evenings and nights!
too bad its a whole 5 days away!