I did it!!

I put my First year failure to rest with this one. I had allowed it to shake my confidence and create indifference. But i figured that this is my last chance to make it right. Plus a favourite teacher (FT)'s strongly worded advice to take part. So this time, no excuses, no indifference.. and u know what, I made it. Okay, so I didnt do something absolutely great.. but I restored my confidence. and that is great na?
And I was good.. I actually felt it. I could see the judges feel it too. In fact as it turned out I was the best there..
so thanx FT!

Another reality check!

I am not a People's person.... thats it..
Especially not at my home..
There are exceptions - people i am really comfortable with.. but otherwise i cant wait to have the home to myself!!!!!

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.

Reality check

I dont care what you say, think or feel.
I dont care what I say, think or feel!

Reasonable reasons?

Why is it that things that I am sure about have questionable motives? Most of the times, I have no idea what I want. I just go with the flow, taking whatever I get. Not really achieving something. And when I feel I do know what I want, very soon I am hit by the thought of justifying it. Because I dont know why I want it. Atleast I dont know any positive reason for wanting it. It sometimes seems as if all my decisions and dreams (whatever few i have) are based more on negativity of other things than any positive influence. Like its too hard, its expected of me, its been done before by others, I need to get away from here. Why cant I do something or want something for itself?

Its very irritating to question yourself over such things. Either you should have the ability to justify your actions to yourself or not care about the reasons for it. This halfway where I am stuck just makes life difficult. Perhaps I should learn to accept my reasons for what they are. There are not always 'right' reasons for doing something or wanting something. Sometimes, negativity is what you have.

Bollywood tag: finally finished

5 film titles that describe your life
Lakshya ( as in lack of)
Time Pass (yes, there is a movie)
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na
Aisi Bhi Kya jaldi hai
Bekhudi

5 songs that describe you
bad bad girls - na roti khilayegi na choti banayegi na palke jhukayegi (Chak De India)
Koi kahe, kehta rahe kitna bhi humko deewana, Hum logon ki thokar mein hai yeh zamaana Hum hain naye, andaaz kyoon ho puraana (Dil Chahata Hai)
paniyon mein chal rahi hai, kashthiya bhi jal rahi hai, hum kinare par nahi hain (Sajjad Ali, Cinderella)
Hoshwalon ko khabhar kya Bekhudi Kya chees hai ( Sarfarosh)
Na tum jaano na hum

Already taken: Mere mann yeh batade tu, kis or chala hai tu.. kya paya nahi tune, kya doond raha hai tu - Mitwa from KANK

5 characs you can relate to
Karan Shergill - Hrithik Roshan in Lakshya (already taken, but cant help it, its the character i can most relate to; rest are vague connection)
Aditya - Shahid Kapoor in Jab We Met for the first quarter of the movie
Mohan - Shah Rukh Khan in Swades (i know the whole point of being an NRI is lost on me)
Preeti - Priety Zinta in Dil Se
Madhu - Sandhya Mridul in Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd (donno why)

5 characs you want to kill
Sexy - Cheeni Kum (Kid, grow down!!)
Khushi - Kareena Kapoor in Khushi (if u havent seen the movie, congrats!!)
Rishi Oberoi - Fardeen Khan in Hum Ho gaye Aapke (and other movies too!!)
Lalitha - Aishwarya Rai in Bride and Prejudice (for destroying Elizabeth Bennet's character)
Sanjana - Antara Mali in Mr ya Miss

5 charac you would like to date
Aryan - Hrithik Roshan in Dhoom 2 ( especially the Rock fall)
Aslam - Kunal Kapoor in Rang De (if only to prove to Rama that the character isnt gay!)
Kabir Khan - Shah Rukh Khan in Chak De
Aditya - Shahid Kapoor in Jab We Met
Darcy - Martin henderson in Bride and Prejudice (closest i can get to Mr. Darcy)

if Others allowed - Jerry Macguire - Tom Cruise, Dougray Scott in Ever After

???

Sometimes, I dont know what I feel. and that just makes it harder. If I know I am depressed or miserable, I can deal with it. if I am angry or irritated, I can justify my actions. if I am restless even, at least I know. but now, i just dont know. its as if i am feeling everything at once and its confusing the hell out of me. I am a little miserable about who i am, i am angry at others for who they are, i am apprehensive about where i am headed. I feel weird about how old i am. I am worried about my future. I cant talk to others and i cant listen to them either. Is all of this confusing me or is it something else that is manifesting itself in these varied forms? i wish life was simpler. i wish i was back in school. My school was pretty good, though it was in college that i started to find myself and real, close friends. But right now, school is very attractive - for its stability and continuity of year after year, of no decision making, of homework and exams from that i did so well, of free afternoons and evenings, of no responsibility inside or outside house. and most of all, i never had to think about my emotions, about how i felt. i had my ups and downs but i dont remember ever encountering depression or anger that wasnt targetted at something specific or worry/ tension about future.. most of all, i never had encounter not knowing who i was or what i was feeling. that is blessing that i realise the importance of. i now understand why people get nostalgic about their childhood.. and perhaps thats what it is. i am not ready to finally put any childhood aside and become an adult.