yak yak!!

people talk.. it seems everyone is my life has stories to tell, episodes to recount, miseries to share, emotions to describe and my job is to listen to them. and it seems to have gone to a level where i have started thinking i have nothing to say. that if by some miracle, people shut up, i would not be able to fill the void.. or is it that i just think that my life, compared to their 360 degree rollercoaster, is like a slow moving caterpiller. so i go on listening silently and actually encouraging them to speak... and i am getting irritated. i want to escape this and then people come with such complicated life stories, forcing me to yield..

you know you are hitting bottom, when you start to dread a friend's call because you are afraid of getting sucked into their life and losing yours. or maybe when your brain doesnt know what to think except your response in the monologic conversation with others.

is it so unnatural to feel this? is it really selfish to want to think about yourself more.. and if it is selfish, is that really a bad thing? i dont know what i want.. simply attention or some talking time or just the feeling that my life is worth a conversation.

Independence

I am sure the word has deeper meaning than what i am gonna talk about but self-absorption governs my brain. Independence of the kind i enjoyed recently has made a deep impression. The ability to do what you want and when you want, not being obligated to anybody else for your day. But its not so much about what i actually did. Infact apart from one thing, i dont think anybody would have any problems.. but its more of the fact that nobody could have a problem. it was my ability to do and others inability to question. No, i was not deserted on an island somewhere. But i was in a world completely new and people unfamiliar. My only connection to me (as i was or supposed to be) was a cousin ( and her husband) who thankfully were quite cool, though the cousin did have bouts of elder sister. and then there were people i met there. And they were all new acquaintances. so though you might consider it too much of imposition to ask them to do anything, it works both ways. They cant make you do what you dont want or what you are in no mood to do.. no, they cant even make you talk. If i feel like conversation, i talk or else wander alone. No one has any claims on your time. No one has an opinion on your life or the way you spent your time and even if they do, it doesnt have the demand of consideration. What i wanted to do was not just the priority, it was the only thing on the list. The world of strangers was perfect, especially when you dont feel their judgmental eyes following you. Courtesy to my hosts was all that was demanded of me, apart from some phonecalls from parents. And i am not so selfish or self absorbed as not to be able to fulfill that demand.

Maybe this happiness wouldnt have lasted if i had stayed more than what i did... but for now, i think of it nostalgically or maybe futuristically of time i may have it again.

A choice in history

In a book ( agatha christie, if u will) one of the characters ask another " so you would be ok with no monuments ( they were in Egypt, i believe) if you could know people were well fed", the condescension obvious. That makes me think. would you be ok with giving up all the historical monuments of the world in return for the better lives of people of that time. For example, would you rather not have the pyramids and ensure that people who must have died or seriously injured were safer. ( i dont know the facts but just imagining the task makes me sure there would have been enormous casualties) Closer home, would you give up the Taj Mahal if that meant that few centuries ago, thousands would not have lost their eyes or limbs. thats the question!! ofcourse one could argue that if there had been no Taj, we wouldnt know what we are missing, so it wont matter. but now that you have known and seen it, would you? there are many ways of looking at this.. historian's way, architect's way, tourism promoter way.. and then regular person's way. It can be a hard decision, it can be simple. Imagine a current situation.. would you risk people's lives, limbs so that you could build a structure which may possibly be one of the magnificent creations? If your answer is yes, the words to define you wouldnt be hard to find... i'll stick to cruel. If your answer is no, shouldnt this answer be the same for past? Ok, so you say you are ready to give up the Pyramids and Taj ( using them as samples) but can you say it without regret, without a thought to what you would lose?


Torture, risk, loss may make the decision simpler. But what if instead of the fantastic structures, you had the assurance that few centuries ago people were well fed, not stricken with extreme poverty. That instead of spending atrocious amounts of money to build ego-massaging things, money was spent on food, shelter, clothing, health care...Would you still give them up? But then again, economics tells you, that public expenditure can do more to reduce poverty than free-handouts. Ofcourse it would be better to spend it on infrastructures which apart from providing jobs to people thereby injecting money in their hands starts a process of economic development, would also mean that end product again helps the country. But then tourism forms an important part too. again, i have no facts but the petronas towers and now probably the Taipei tower would be attracting tourists, helping the economy.

So i am confused about the second part. Lets personalise it a bit more (of course we are all self-centred). Would i give up car, AC, vacations etc to give money to the needy, charity? and that makes it hard... because whatever i say, i know deep inside ( actually not even that deep inside) that i cant voluntarily give these up just for others.
But about the first part, i can say - give them up. Its not that i am not into history and historical structures.. though not a complete history or architect buff, i love to see all these... but the price is high. if given a choice, i wouldnt believe it to be worth it. yet, that doesnt make me avoid these. No point in that. The beautiful structures are there to be admired albeit they were built at a huge price. i may be a hypocrite, but thats how i feel.
I dont know what you would say, but either way, never ask the question with condescension!!

Advice to teachers

Everybody has their lists.. here's mine. the most obvious would be "know the subject" and "know how to teach." i might be able to bear the those cant do the second but definately not the first!
1. Never refer to the class or any student by "nonsense kahin ke"
2. Never make faces. Dont try the angry/dissatified... any look. Very few people can make it and you just end up looking silly and become the butt of all jokes.
3. When a student asks you a question, dont confuse them more and as far as possible, try to answer the question asked, not what you know.
4. Oh and while answering do look at the person who asks the question and not at the other end of class.
5. Its just as irritating to have a teacher's mobile phone ring in the middle of class though it might be a relief to students at times. But especially in an exam??
6. Never wear dupattas with shells, trinkets or anything which make noise, not in class and definately not when there is an exam you are invigilating.
7. Never make a student appearing for an exam get the extra supplementary sheets which is your responsibility.
8. Never threaten students with attendance. it just shows you know how bad a teacher you are. 9. Never tell stories about your family or yourself. We are not the least interested that your son is giving CAT and doesnt have the decency to find out about colleges and entrances himself and you have to waste class times to ask us on what to do.
10. If possible, dont start in the middle of the blackboard and end up in the corners. Its a bit confusing.
11. Dont write too small on the blackboard. We dont have magnifying glasses. On the other hand dont write too big. We are not in kindergarden.

An ode to myself

In honour of my birthday, i am subjecting you to more bad poetry ( ok rama, dont sue me for using another of your labels)

As i turn 22 years old
It seems to have been foretold
No matter how much i age
i wont be a saint nor a sage
soft-spoken, i have heard someone say
unlikely even if i try, which i never may
i will never be one of the good girls
nor wear a ribbon on my curls
i can be forced to do something
but not with grace, would i be willing
No pleas would work nor any ruse
i would be stuck-up, if i so choose
an open mind or closed like a box
stubborn, maybe arrogant like an ox
but i can be funny, i can be sarcastic
a total brat if i feel like it
i am restless and quite lazy
my thoughts and wishes, usually hazy
i enjoy the ridiculous and being insane
but i am still capable of using my brain
So this is how i turned out to be
like it or not, happy birthday to me!

Whats in a name?

According to Shakespeare, nothing. A rose by any other name, would still smell the same. And i guess he is right. If i hadnt had the name i have now, i would still be the person i am. But i am still very grateful that my parents did not pick out the classic biloo/pinky kind of names (not just as nicknames, people's real names are sometimes this silly). My name is free from reproach of silliness (however susceptible i might be to it). But still, the importance of name does go beyond that of just not having a silly name. I remember the play "Importance of Being Ernest" by Oscar Wilde - an extremely funny and interesting play. The way the two females fall in love with the name or perhaps the man the name represents.

Getting back, i have never encountered anybody with the same name as myself. ok ok.. so there is an actress with the same name as me. But i have never met her, have i? I am very proud ( silly i guess.. to be proud.. but i am!) that i have never met anybody of the same name. Its a pleasure to know that there are not many with your name.. of course i could have lived in the bubble of denial that nobody has my name had not that actress decided to have the same name. copy cat!!! to make things clear i was not named after her. I think my name is out of a prayer ( as is most people of my generation, not that it made me one bit religious). My dad got to chose this one. He said he chose it because he liked it. And that is the only answer i ever got if i ventured to ask what my name means and why it was chosen. (My mom always diverted me to him saying he was the one who chose it). Nobody knew what my name meant. which meant that whenever anybody asked what my name meant (like really just because it is my name i am supposed to know everything about it), i had no answer. Trying to find the meaning of name was unsuccessful. For once, the web was completely useless. Most baby names book do not carry my name. guess i should be thankful for that.. it means less people are likely to use the name. But not knowing the meaning didnt matter much. I like the sound of it and it has been my name all my life. There is somthing to be said for that. You grow to love your name. and as i said, its nice to have an unique name.

Though i must say, its not easy when people keep misspelling my name. Ofcourse my relatives have also misspelled, so i can scarcely be shocked when strangers do so. The frequent misspelling has not made me used to it, rather i have become quite stubborn if not obsessed with it. But i am glad that my name has not been mispronounced. (Ofcourse i havent had my name pronounced by foreigners much who would probably destroy it)

If my name was something else, i would still be me.. but i wouldnt be Ranjitha. And i like being that. So Shakespeare be damned!!!

PS: I have recently found out that my name means colourful, happy. i approve!!!
thanx dad, for the name! i also like it.

Thing about moms!

This is essentially a mother - daughter relation. Having a sister and no brothers (and i am very grateful for that), i dont know how a mother-son relation would work. but this is some of things i have observed..

1. You have the maximum fights with mom (with possible exception of sister)
2. As much as you fight and as mad as you get, its hard to stay mad for a long time. i have tried to be so, believe me.
3. Though it seems like she never understands, she surprises you. She does understand.
4. She might disagree with you and diapprove, but she always defends you in front of others.
5. She never buys your arguement of shortage of clothes and makes outrageous suggestions about what to wear and what to buy.
6. When she knows you really dont want to do something, she doesnt force you ( she does force you to do lot of other things though). She would even make excuses for you, sometimes even to your father.
7. She(true of parents as such i guess) is proud of what you have done, however small it might be and can be embarrasing in showing off.
8. She is always after you to eat, it doesnt matter if you are not hungry.
9. Even if you have to cajole, pressurise and force it out of her, a nod from her means you can enjoy the expensive and probably worthless article without guilt ( especially when you dont earn)
10. Moms have the best ability to calm your nerves, especially before exams. (i havent had to test that theory much.. but i believe it)
11. If you cant find something, you always call out to her, though there is no earthly reason why she should know where it is.
12. She knows when you have a "mood-out".
13. Though you tell her not to bother, but when she cleans your cupboard ( she tried to get you to do it, but ofcourse you dont), you are quite pleased with her organization of your clothes.