Going Away

Another attempt at poetry!!!

Come away with me,
whispered the wind
as it caressed my face
but i stood strong
watched it blow away,
leaving me in a disarray.

Come away with me,
bellowed the ocean
as its waves tingled my feet
but i stayed where i was
as the waves receded
leaving me marooned.

Come away with me
crackled the fire
as its flames touched the sky
but i drew back
and watched it fade
leaving me in a cold state .

Come away with me
pleaded my heart
as it tried to show me the way
but i didnt listen and watched it go
i stayed with my mind
and was left empty behind.

quarter life crisis - confusion!

I read about this thing called the quarter life crisis sometime back. I don’t know what it said now exactly, but it dealt with common problems people in their 20s face. I remember feeling thrilled because it exactly described how I felt. I was not alone. There was a whole syndrome based on it. So I sent it to all my friends. Unfortunately nobody responded. So I am back to the question.. is it just me? I guess not, because someone did send it to me.

Confusion was one of the main themes underlying the whole syndrome/crisis. It also seems to be the keyword in my life. But the crisis started as I hit 20 (quite an early start of the syndrome). By college third year, I was waging a full scale war inside of me ( how did I fight a war inside me against myself? Self destruction was inevitable and multiplied). Back and forth, I went. Finally at the last minute I made a decision which apparently everybody knew I was going to make, except me. Or maybe I did know too. Now, I am confused about my confusion then. If I thought making that decision would end this confusion, I was in for not so subtle awakening. So here I am, confused as ever, infact more now than ever before. Doubt set in early and for months I seeked reassurance which was not forthcoming. Not helped by my attempt at serious work which suffocated me too much. But when I did get a divine (?) sign that I was in the right path, the broad path broke into tiny twisted, criss-crossed little streets and I don’t know what to pick, where to go. Realizing that you have to make more choices when you had believed that your life changing decision had been made is tough. It’s unnerving. I feel like saying.. “back off! let me breath”

I don’t remember if this was part of that quarter life crisis. If not, it should be. Its called the idealism meets realism crisis. Its not that I am completely cutoff from reality. I have known for a long time that the world is definitely not idealistic, not in my sense, not in anybody else’s. But I am realizing how this reality would affect who I am. I don’t know if I will survive, would I still be me when the world starts throwing far more serious things than tough question papers. Its easy to say I have principles and I follow them now but would I remain true to them as I grow older. Disillusionment is part of life but when it makes you question everything you know of yourself, its more than just a part… it’s a crisis.

PS: usage of word crisis is my prerogative. it might seem to you to be exagerration, but thats none of my concern!

come sleep

Blue sky, green fields, wind blowing
a perfect picture of a river flowing
as i close my eyes i see
the meeting of the sky and sea
on the beach the sunset
and hope that it calms my unrest
if only it was so easy, but its not
i dont understand what i have caught
with open eyes i look around the room of mine
see the fan whirling, hear the ticking of time
thoughts race one after the other
like a ship without a rudder
they never make sense what i feel
all i want is peace, too much to ask, it must seem
how long i spend like this i dont know
before sleep obliges me with a bow
why is it so hard to do this simple task
fall asleep and dream and relax
but the love of sleep in the morn takes away my fame
even as an insomniac, i cant stake a claim

compatibility quiz

so i saw koffee with Karan - kareena kapoor and shahid kapur. after the first episode i havnt seen much of this second season. wish i had stuck to that habit. But i am not writing this to talk abt the show, or the actors or karan himself ( who i say supreme egoist by the way) but rather unwittingly it started something. he had this compatibility vivah quiz where he asked shahid various things abt kareena ( i wont even go into this) and it got me thinking if i have to judge closeness of my relationships with people through these kind of quizes, i would prob flunk all tests. i am not very observent and forget stories and facts told to me.. so how would i remember things like fav colour, actor etc unless so blatant that it is doing tap dance right under my nose!! so does it matter whether you know these things or not. normally i would say no.. ofcourse it doesnt. what matters is the relationship itself - the comfort level, the trust and readiness to be there for each other. but in the course of friendship and even family relations ( my own sis) arent i supposed to pick up some info. like if i am asked to organise a bday party for a friend, would be able to do so.. pick out songs, colour schemes, food.. i dont know. i think i do know lot of things abt very close friends and family members (seriously if you talk that much, something is bound to stick in your mind) but if you ask me specifically probably not. Fav colours - no idea abt anyone. so does that mean i am not compatible with anyone.. ( so i'll never have a vivah - doesnt sound all that bad right now). i guess not. i think some would disagree.
so what should i do? start interrogations, try and remember things when they tell me. or not bother at all about so called compatibility tests.. it doesnt matter right. it could be that the other person doesnt have specific favs.. i mean i dont have a fav colour right now, prob not so much a fav season, and other things. so no matter how close you are to me, you wont know these things abt me, coz i dont know myself. and then there are things that change with your mood. now i am not going to be a mood reader for these things... spare me i have better ways to waste my time. i should have known no good can come out of something involving kareena kapoor, shahid kapur and karan johar in an interview.

PS: in case you do care, some favourites
Book - pride and prejudice
Movie - for now Lord of the Rings ( all 3, especially 3rd - love happy endings)
Actor in terms of looks - Tom Cruise ( dont care abt how good a husband he is)
Food - chinese or italian - i think chinese might score higher.

so remember them so you can answer on the quiz about me!!!!!!

family

Holi is here. not that i celebrate it. but it took my mind to festivals and diwali. diwali has been the most celebrated festival ( i think navratri gives a very good competition) but if you ask me to pick, i'll pick diwali anyday. guess its to do with past. i think rama/renu talked about diwali in her post sometime back. It used to be great fun. card-games, sleepovers, early morning bath, new clothes..and for sometime firecrackers too (stopped bursting long time back though). but its all changed. i dont think i'll ever get to have those diwali back. its too different now.. i am not very fond of change. i am conservative that way. i am not impulsive and i cant change my thinking, my views, my schedule very easily. so accepting this reality also took a long time. but with my realisation mode in over-drive, i accepted another reality, the family has changed. everybody has changed. people have grown-up ( some have become old!!) they have busy lives. and i have seen the sides of people i didnt know existed. nobody is perfect. everybody has negatives. but when the family ( extended and close) you have grown up with, watching, joking with, changes or rather you discover the real them, its a slight shock.

ofcourse me being me, i went to the other extreme..i saw only negatives, the oppressiveness which sometimes comes with a large family. i wanted to run away from everybody.. sometimes, i still do. with family, you have to learn to ignore, bear, accept, shrug off, stand firm with diplomacy.. and so much more. i guess i changed too.. i grew up and i wanted certain things to change with me.. obviously they wont. why does world change when i want it to be same but not change when i want it too? now i have to learn that though i didnt choose my family and though there might be a lot of things in the past, present and future that i dont like, its something i will have to deal with. this family has given me much, especially when i was young. now i am getting more individualistic.. i just have to get the balance. its a little tough.. but though i am not a 'pathetic optimist' i am not a cynic either. i feel i would find what i need. or maybe i have, its all in the mood!!!

'Supreme' experience

so after being connected with law for so long and been a student of law school for more than 6 months, i finally entered the portals of the apex court of the country. it is an impressive building.. britishers did give us some impressive architecture.. But i dont know if the building is more impressive because of its architecture or because of its status, especially to somebody in law. as you walk up the steps its easy to think that you are in a school, with everyone in uniforms and a difference between junior school students and senior school ( the senior counsel have different kinda coat and gown ). but not to me. for the first time, i didnt think black and white code is restrictive or that it would make it very boring. it would be but back then, i understood why it shouldnt be changed. as i saw people in black coats and lawyer's gown, another first, i longed to wear the gown myself. i might look foolish but in that court ( you are not supposed to wear the gown outside court), i know it would not be odd or foolish. it would distinguish you and it would make you feel at home. it would have significance. its hard to express..so i leave it to your imagination.

Inside the court room, another first ( lots of first happened there!!) - i didnt feel intimidated by the fact that i would have to stand up there and argue in front of the judge(s). public speaking is not my forte but then, i didnt even think about that. it was one of the moments when you know that decision you made was correct. for me those moments c0me far and apart and regarding this subject hasnt come for a long time.. and a judge smiling at you has a weird effect too.. maybe because v were only ones in black coats and not gowns, sitting where usually only lawyers sit ( though if empty v can sit too), maybe coz he was happy college students come to court or maybe coz we showed reactions to the arguments.. i dont know but when i think about it, it doesnt matter.. for my view of first supreme court judge, he did pretty well.

oh if you havent figured out till now, i was very impressed by the 'supreme' experience.. i am looking forward to going again. and ofcourse actually be a complete part of that place.

To my valentine( whoever you are)

They say It cant judge
that It is blind.
So if you get knocked down,
you really shouldnt mind.

They say It fulfills you
It makes you complete.
But I already have a head
two arms and two feet.

Without the drugs,
they say It gives a high.
But what is the use
so soon, it passes by.

They say It has the power
It changes a man.
to say for better or worse,
that, no one can.

They say It is a garden,
like flowers, you should tend.
I think i am nauseous
this poem, i should end.