The Weight of expectations

Is it harder when people have great expectations of you?

It seems as if I am more afraid of letting them down than I am of making a fool of myself! When somebody picks you especially and tells you they trust you completely to handle it, that they think you are the best option... it made me feel good but now it just makes me feel uneasy.

On the other hand when people have no expectations, when you are doing something entirely for yourself then you have only your expectations to deal with.. and somehow you manage..

So what do I do now... the best I can, hope for the best and if things dont go as i hope.. bury myself in a corner with Booze!!

Numb?

I thought I might become numb after all these blasts and I was afraid of such a time. But as I sat glued to the television, eventually forcing myself to shut it down to study, I realized something..
I was astounded at the audacity of these terrorists. I was horrified at the ease with which they came into the city and held the whole country hostage for 3 days. I was shocked by the mercilessness of these people. I was scared for the death toll. I was furious at the complete failure of the government and its utter inefficiency to handle such a situation. I was heartbroken seeing Taj on fire. I was disgusted with the petty politician who offered money to the widow of the officer he had villified few weeks before. I was heartened by the brave stories of hotel staff, guests, railway announcer and others. I was disgusted at the man who wanted to get into the frame of the television in the aftermath, smiling on the phone probably telling his family/friends that he was on TV. I was sick of the talk about the spirit of mumbai. I was confused whether I should be more scared that there was an intelligence failure or that though there was information, nobody did anything. I was angry at the politicians for their callous and insensitive remarks.
So No.. I am not numb!!

The world is crumbling!!

Blasts - my city gets hit again. and I am very afraid that I am becoming indifferent to all this. Curtesy asking family and friends about their safety, somehow i assume they are all ok. And I dont want to see the news about any of it. Ofcourse the news itself doesnt help. Apart from the images, all you have is news of how people in power were changing clothes never mind that the city is reeling under attacks which the government knew would happen or condemning the blasts and saying we will not tolerate terrorism. what does that even mean? Or else, you have the opposition who cant even wait for few hours before blaming the government and calling for resignation. No matter what, in India, no one can be united on one thing even if it is terrorism.
Then you have the communal violence and floods - one human-made and the other natural (is it really though?). And the same old story: blame game and no solutions. Does the fact that I am bothered mean that I am not after all indifferent?

On a different scale, we have the financial crisis. Top investment banks - bankrupt, sold, bailed out by Federal Reserve.. so it is in US but it would affect the world, wouldnt it. more than 60,000 employees looking for jobs in an already diminished job market. India's inflation is still high though I havent checked on the latest.

Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. My personal issues have diminished in value. for the first time perhaps I have perspective. My life is fairly easy even though I create problems effortlessly. But the world seems to be crumbling even as I stand straight. Perhaps all the theories about destruction of the world were right. Eventually nature and human will destory the world. Maybe that eventually is right now.
So what do I do? RETREAT. No news, no magazines... shut myself from all the things above. Concentrate on my work assuming that the end is not here yet. It may be selfish, it may be childish.. but it is what I need now.

I am

1. Selfish
2. Impatient
3. Lazy
4. not completely truthful
5. stubborn
6. short tempered
7. elitist/snob/arrogant
8. not steadfast on my principles
And I am not working on any of it!!!

I did it!!

I put my First year failure to rest with this one. I had allowed it to shake my confidence and create indifference. But i figured that this is my last chance to make it right. Plus a favourite teacher (FT)'s strongly worded advice to take part. So this time, no excuses, no indifference.. and u know what, I made it. Okay, so I didnt do something absolutely great.. but I restored my confidence. and that is great na?
And I was good.. I actually felt it. I could see the judges feel it too. In fact as it turned out I was the best there..
so thanx FT!

Another reality check!

I am not a People's person.... thats it..
Especially not at my home..
There are exceptions - people i am really comfortable with.. but otherwise i cant wait to have the home to myself!!!!!

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.