The world is crumbling!!

Blasts - my city gets hit again. and I am very afraid that I am becoming indifferent to all this. Curtesy asking family and friends about their safety, somehow i assume they are all ok. And I dont want to see the news about any of it. Ofcourse the news itself doesnt help. Apart from the images, all you have is news of how people in power were changing clothes never mind that the city is reeling under attacks which the government knew would happen or condemning the blasts and saying we will not tolerate terrorism. what does that even mean? Or else, you have the opposition who cant even wait for few hours before blaming the government and calling for resignation. No matter what, in India, no one can be united on one thing even if it is terrorism.
Then you have the communal violence and floods - one human-made and the other natural (is it really though?). And the same old story: blame game and no solutions. Does the fact that I am bothered mean that I am not after all indifferent?

On a different scale, we have the financial crisis. Top investment banks - bankrupt, sold, bailed out by Federal Reserve.. so it is in US but it would affect the world, wouldnt it. more than 60,000 employees looking for jobs in an already diminished job market. India's inflation is still high though I havent checked on the latest.

Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. My personal issues have diminished in value. for the first time perhaps I have perspective. My life is fairly easy even though I create problems effortlessly. But the world seems to be crumbling even as I stand straight. Perhaps all the theories about destruction of the world were right. Eventually nature and human will destory the world. Maybe that eventually is right now.
So what do I do? RETREAT. No news, no magazines... shut myself from all the things above. Concentrate on my work assuming that the end is not here yet. It may be selfish, it may be childish.. but it is what I need now.

I am

1. Selfish
2. Impatient
3. Lazy
4. not completely truthful
5. stubborn
6. short tempered
7. elitist/snob/arrogant
8. not steadfast on my principles
And I am not working on any of it!!!

I did it!!

I put my First year failure to rest with this one. I had allowed it to shake my confidence and create indifference. But i figured that this is my last chance to make it right. Plus a favourite teacher (FT)'s strongly worded advice to take part. So this time, no excuses, no indifference.. and u know what, I made it. Okay, so I didnt do something absolutely great.. but I restored my confidence. and that is great na?
And I was good.. I actually felt it. I could see the judges feel it too. In fact as it turned out I was the best there..
so thanx FT!

Another reality check!

I am not a People's person.... thats it..
Especially not at my home..
There are exceptions - people i am really comfortable with.. but otherwise i cant wait to have the home to myself!!!!!

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.

Reality check

I dont care what you say, think or feel.
I dont care what I say, think or feel!

Reasonable reasons?

Why is it that things that I am sure about have questionable motives? Most of the times, I have no idea what I want. I just go with the flow, taking whatever I get. Not really achieving something. And when I feel I do know what I want, very soon I am hit by the thought of justifying it. Because I dont know why I want it. Atleast I dont know any positive reason for wanting it. It sometimes seems as if all my decisions and dreams (whatever few i have) are based more on negativity of other things than any positive influence. Like its too hard, its expected of me, its been done before by others, I need to get away from here. Why cant I do something or want something for itself?

Its very irritating to question yourself over such things. Either you should have the ability to justify your actions to yourself or not care about the reasons for it. This halfway where I am stuck just makes life difficult. Perhaps I should learn to accept my reasons for what they are. There are not always 'right' reasons for doing something or wanting something. Sometimes, negativity is what you have.