i want to run away

From crappy teachers, administration
poor infrastructure, stupid system
i want to run away

From crowded broken down buses
the yelling haggling people
i want to run away

From indifferent and callous public
yet with rising mob mentality
i want to run away

From irrational obsessions
corruption and politics
i want to run away

From family expectations
demand of conformity
i want to run away

From questions unanswered
or worse brushed aside
i want to run away

Books!

i love books. ok, so i dont read the intellectual, real literature or whatever it is you call that, though through attempts of others, i have wavered into the territory.

but lately i have gone off books. ok so i read the latest harry potter. that took me a day ( a day which went into 4 in the morning of next day). but no other books. i have been repeating old books.. trusted old books, where i can pick any page and know where i am in the story. and its not that there is shortage of books.. i have loads of new books just standing there, waiting for the precious moment when i will pick them up and not put them back. and they are interesting books.. and its not like i dont have time at all. i have the evenings and travel to and from college. i dont know what has happened. would a fast-paced thriller which keeps one glued, break this? (where is a good jeffrey archer when you need one!).

so why is this happening? is it that i dont want to use my brains much (keep off the comments!). like i dont want to think. or is it just pure laziness to commit hours to this. with old books, i can leave them at any time and not worry as i know exactly what will happen next. or is it that for the moment, i find the books boring? maybe thats why agatha christie ( what have i not read yet???), jeffrey archer, john grisham etc kinda books will work. they are quick and gripping.

but i want to get back to my books. i look at them everyday and wonder when i will start on them. now i know its a good idea to have unread books around, but there are lots now. so i better get to it.. maybe if i start, the flow will come. i hope so!!

MAD?

'You are mad!'
someone told me in the middle of a conversation. for a minute i thought he thought i was angry, but the mention of electric shock therapy got me around to the right meaning. And my reply - ' oh yeah. i take that as a compliment' and i do. it is a compliment for me. i love hearing stories about how mad i was when i was younger (but then that may be that being a large family, my stories see the light of day so few times).

am i ashamed of my silliness? ofcourse not. i once said i accepted the low feeling bcoz it meant higher highs - craziness.. and its very valuable to me. not everyone might think that insanity is a worthy claim. i beg to differ.. its very worthy. why? i dont know. maybe bcoz that makes me different (does it really?), its non-comformist, it makes me feel free.. or hundred different reasons i cant quite think of now.

PS: Now despite what people might think, i am not advocating completely senility.. i can be quite sane when required!
does this claim for sanity just prove that i am infact insane?

yak yak!!

people talk.. it seems everyone is my life has stories to tell, episodes to recount, miseries to share, emotions to describe and my job is to listen to them. and it seems to have gone to a level where i have started thinking i have nothing to say. that if by some miracle, people shut up, i would not be able to fill the void.. or is it that i just think that my life, compared to their 360 degree rollercoaster, is like a slow moving caterpiller. so i go on listening silently and actually encouraging them to speak... and i am getting irritated. i want to escape this and then people come with such complicated life stories, forcing me to yield..

you know you are hitting bottom, when you start to dread a friend's call because you are afraid of getting sucked into their life and losing yours. or maybe when your brain doesnt know what to think except your response in the monologic conversation with others.

is it so unnatural to feel this? is it really selfish to want to think about yourself more.. and if it is selfish, is that really a bad thing? i dont know what i want.. simply attention or some talking time or just the feeling that my life is worth a conversation.

Independence

I am sure the word has deeper meaning than what i am gonna talk about but self-absorption governs my brain. Independence of the kind i enjoyed recently has made a deep impression. The ability to do what you want and when you want, not being obligated to anybody else for your day. But its not so much about what i actually did. Infact apart from one thing, i dont think anybody would have any problems.. but its more of the fact that nobody could have a problem. it was my ability to do and others inability to question. No, i was not deserted on an island somewhere. But i was in a world completely new and people unfamiliar. My only connection to me (as i was or supposed to be) was a cousin ( and her husband) who thankfully were quite cool, though the cousin did have bouts of elder sister. and then there were people i met there. And they were all new acquaintances. so though you might consider it too much of imposition to ask them to do anything, it works both ways. They cant make you do what you dont want or what you are in no mood to do.. no, they cant even make you talk. If i feel like conversation, i talk or else wander alone. No one has any claims on your time. No one has an opinion on your life or the way you spent your time and even if they do, it doesnt have the demand of consideration. What i wanted to do was not just the priority, it was the only thing on the list. The world of strangers was perfect, especially when you dont feel their judgmental eyes following you. Courtesy to my hosts was all that was demanded of me, apart from some phonecalls from parents. And i am not so selfish or self absorbed as not to be able to fulfill that demand.

Maybe this happiness wouldnt have lasted if i had stayed more than what i did... but for now, i think of it nostalgically or maybe futuristically of time i may have it again.

A choice in history

In a book ( agatha christie, if u will) one of the characters ask another " so you would be ok with no monuments ( they were in Egypt, i believe) if you could know people were well fed", the condescension obvious. That makes me think. would you be ok with giving up all the historical monuments of the world in return for the better lives of people of that time. For example, would you rather not have the pyramids and ensure that people who must have died or seriously injured were safer. ( i dont know the facts but just imagining the task makes me sure there would have been enormous casualties) Closer home, would you give up the Taj Mahal if that meant that few centuries ago, thousands would not have lost their eyes or limbs. thats the question!! ofcourse one could argue that if there had been no Taj, we wouldnt know what we are missing, so it wont matter. but now that you have known and seen it, would you? there are many ways of looking at this.. historian's way, architect's way, tourism promoter way.. and then regular person's way. It can be a hard decision, it can be simple. Imagine a current situation.. would you risk people's lives, limbs so that you could build a structure which may possibly be one of the magnificent creations? If your answer is yes, the words to define you wouldnt be hard to find... i'll stick to cruel. If your answer is no, shouldnt this answer be the same for past? Ok, so you say you are ready to give up the Pyramids and Taj ( using them as samples) but can you say it without regret, without a thought to what you would lose?


Torture, risk, loss may make the decision simpler. But what if instead of the fantastic structures, you had the assurance that few centuries ago people were well fed, not stricken with extreme poverty. That instead of spending atrocious amounts of money to build ego-massaging things, money was spent on food, shelter, clothing, health care...Would you still give them up? But then again, economics tells you, that public expenditure can do more to reduce poverty than free-handouts. Ofcourse it would be better to spend it on infrastructures which apart from providing jobs to people thereby injecting money in their hands starts a process of economic development, would also mean that end product again helps the country. But then tourism forms an important part too. again, i have no facts but the petronas towers and now probably the Taipei tower would be attracting tourists, helping the economy.

So i am confused about the second part. Lets personalise it a bit more (of course we are all self-centred). Would i give up car, AC, vacations etc to give money to the needy, charity? and that makes it hard... because whatever i say, i know deep inside ( actually not even that deep inside) that i cant voluntarily give these up just for others.
But about the first part, i can say - give them up. Its not that i am not into history and historical structures.. though not a complete history or architect buff, i love to see all these... but the price is high. if given a choice, i wouldnt believe it to be worth it. yet, that doesnt make me avoid these. No point in that. The beautiful structures are there to be admired albeit they were built at a huge price. i may be a hypocrite, but thats how i feel.
I dont know what you would say, but either way, never ask the question with condescension!!

Advice to teachers

Everybody has their lists.. here's mine. the most obvious would be "know the subject" and "know how to teach." i might be able to bear the those cant do the second but definately not the first!
1. Never refer to the class or any student by "nonsense kahin ke"
2. Never make faces. Dont try the angry/dissatified... any look. Very few people can make it and you just end up looking silly and become the butt of all jokes.
3. When a student asks you a question, dont confuse them more and as far as possible, try to answer the question asked, not what you know.
4. Oh and while answering do look at the person who asks the question and not at the other end of class.
5. Its just as irritating to have a teacher's mobile phone ring in the middle of class though it might be a relief to students at times. But especially in an exam??
6. Never wear dupattas with shells, trinkets or anything which make noise, not in class and definately not when there is an exam you are invigilating.
7. Never make a student appearing for an exam get the extra supplementary sheets which is your responsibility.
8. Never threaten students with attendance. it just shows you know how bad a teacher you are. 9. Never tell stories about your family or yourself. We are not the least interested that your son is giving CAT and doesnt have the decency to find out about colleges and entrances himself and you have to waste class times to ask us on what to do.
10. If possible, dont start in the middle of the blackboard and end up in the corners. Its a bit confusing.
11. Dont write too small on the blackboard. We dont have magnifying glasses. On the other hand dont write too big. We are not in kindergarden.