come sleep

Blue sky, green fields, wind blowing
a perfect picture of a river flowing
as i close my eyes i see
the meeting of the sky and sea
on the beach the sunset
and hope that it calms my unrest
if only it was so easy, but its not
i dont understand what i have caught
with open eyes i look around the room of mine
see the fan whirling, hear the ticking of time
thoughts race one after the other
like a ship without a rudder
they never make sense what i feel
all i want is peace, too much to ask, it must seem
how long i spend like this i dont know
before sleep obliges me with a bow
why is it so hard to do this simple task
fall asleep and dream and relax
but the love of sleep in the morn takes away my fame
even as an insomniac, i cant stake a claim

compatibility quiz

so i saw koffee with Karan - kareena kapoor and shahid kapur. after the first episode i havnt seen much of this second season. wish i had stuck to that habit. But i am not writing this to talk abt the show, or the actors or karan himself ( who i say supreme egoist by the way) but rather unwittingly it started something. he had this compatibility vivah quiz where he asked shahid various things abt kareena ( i wont even go into this) and it got me thinking if i have to judge closeness of my relationships with people through these kind of quizes, i would prob flunk all tests. i am not very observent and forget stories and facts told to me.. so how would i remember things like fav colour, actor etc unless so blatant that it is doing tap dance right under my nose!! so does it matter whether you know these things or not. normally i would say no.. ofcourse it doesnt. what matters is the relationship itself - the comfort level, the trust and readiness to be there for each other. but in the course of friendship and even family relations ( my own sis) arent i supposed to pick up some info. like if i am asked to organise a bday party for a friend, would be able to do so.. pick out songs, colour schemes, food.. i dont know. i think i do know lot of things abt very close friends and family members (seriously if you talk that much, something is bound to stick in your mind) but if you ask me specifically probably not. Fav colours - no idea abt anyone. so does that mean i am not compatible with anyone.. ( so i'll never have a vivah - doesnt sound all that bad right now). i guess not. i think some would disagree.
so what should i do? start interrogations, try and remember things when they tell me. or not bother at all about so called compatibility tests.. it doesnt matter right. it could be that the other person doesnt have specific favs.. i mean i dont have a fav colour right now, prob not so much a fav season, and other things. so no matter how close you are to me, you wont know these things abt me, coz i dont know myself. and then there are things that change with your mood. now i am not going to be a mood reader for these things... spare me i have better ways to waste my time. i should have known no good can come out of something involving kareena kapoor, shahid kapur and karan johar in an interview.

PS: in case you do care, some favourites
Book - pride and prejudice
Movie - for now Lord of the Rings ( all 3, especially 3rd - love happy endings)
Actor in terms of looks - Tom Cruise ( dont care abt how good a husband he is)
Food - chinese or italian - i think chinese might score higher.

so remember them so you can answer on the quiz about me!!!!!!

family

Holi is here. not that i celebrate it. but it took my mind to festivals and diwali. diwali has been the most celebrated festival ( i think navratri gives a very good competition) but if you ask me to pick, i'll pick diwali anyday. guess its to do with past. i think rama/renu talked about diwali in her post sometime back. It used to be great fun. card-games, sleepovers, early morning bath, new clothes..and for sometime firecrackers too (stopped bursting long time back though). but its all changed. i dont think i'll ever get to have those diwali back. its too different now.. i am not very fond of change. i am conservative that way. i am not impulsive and i cant change my thinking, my views, my schedule very easily. so accepting this reality also took a long time. but with my realisation mode in over-drive, i accepted another reality, the family has changed. everybody has changed. people have grown-up ( some have become old!!) they have busy lives. and i have seen the sides of people i didnt know existed. nobody is perfect. everybody has negatives. but when the family ( extended and close) you have grown up with, watching, joking with, changes or rather you discover the real them, its a slight shock.

ofcourse me being me, i went to the other extreme..i saw only negatives, the oppressiveness which sometimes comes with a large family. i wanted to run away from everybody.. sometimes, i still do. with family, you have to learn to ignore, bear, accept, shrug off, stand firm with diplomacy.. and so much more. i guess i changed too.. i grew up and i wanted certain things to change with me.. obviously they wont. why does world change when i want it to be same but not change when i want it too? now i have to learn that though i didnt choose my family and though there might be a lot of things in the past, present and future that i dont like, its something i will have to deal with. this family has given me much, especially when i was young. now i am getting more individualistic.. i just have to get the balance. its a little tough.. but though i am not a 'pathetic optimist' i am not a cynic either. i feel i would find what i need. or maybe i have, its all in the mood!!!

'Supreme' experience

so after being connected with law for so long and been a student of law school for more than 6 months, i finally entered the portals of the apex court of the country. it is an impressive building.. britishers did give us some impressive architecture.. But i dont know if the building is more impressive because of its architecture or because of its status, especially to somebody in law. as you walk up the steps its easy to think that you are in a school, with everyone in uniforms and a difference between junior school students and senior school ( the senior counsel have different kinda coat and gown ). but not to me. for the first time, i didnt think black and white code is restrictive or that it would make it very boring. it would be but back then, i understood why it shouldnt be changed. as i saw people in black coats and lawyer's gown, another first, i longed to wear the gown myself. i might look foolish but in that court ( you are not supposed to wear the gown outside court), i know it would not be odd or foolish. it would distinguish you and it would make you feel at home. it would have significance. its hard to express..so i leave it to your imagination.

Inside the court room, another first ( lots of first happened there!!) - i didnt feel intimidated by the fact that i would have to stand up there and argue in front of the judge(s). public speaking is not my forte but then, i didnt even think about that. it was one of the moments when you know that decision you made was correct. for me those moments c0me far and apart and regarding this subject hasnt come for a long time.. and a judge smiling at you has a weird effect too.. maybe because v were only ones in black coats and not gowns, sitting where usually only lawyers sit ( though if empty v can sit too), maybe coz he was happy college students come to court or maybe coz we showed reactions to the arguments.. i dont know but when i think about it, it doesnt matter.. for my view of first supreme court judge, he did pretty well.

oh if you havent figured out till now, i was very impressed by the 'supreme' experience.. i am looking forward to going again. and ofcourse actually be a complete part of that place.

To my valentine( whoever you are)

They say It cant judge
that It is blind.
So if you get knocked down,
you really shouldnt mind.

They say It fulfills you
It makes you complete.
But I already have a head
two arms and two feet.

Without the drugs,
they say It gives a high.
But what is the use
so soon, it passes by.

They say It has the power
It changes a man.
to say for better or worse,
that, no one can.

They say It is a garden,
like flowers, you should tend.
I think i am nauseous
this poem, i should end.

Moments

Warning: dont expect anything great or rhyming!! on the other hand, you might recognise a few things.

One cold winter day,
One cozy bed,
One warm rajai,
And a good book to read.

A beach near the house,
Cousins all around,
Patient mothers at home,
to wash the salty clothes.

One big family,
food and games,
Through stories and tales
the young live the past.

A college canteen stairs,
One plate of fried rice,
one plate chole batura,
and 4 friends together.

The top of a hill,
A foggy sky,
one mischievous setting sun,
playing games with us.

See the snow fall,
white and glorious
In the month of May
Have a great birthday.

Atheist or Agnostic

It started when my friend asked me if i was an atheist or agnostic. my first reaction - what does agnostic mean. she said it meant a person who questions the existence of god as opposed to atheist who just doesnt believe. i later found out that the meaning was incorrect. But it was too late.. she had started me on to something.
I cant remember a time when i actually believed or the moment when i stopped. tracing back, one incident comes to mind. a school picnic and i was 12-13 years old. ghost stories being told and discussion moves on to belief in ghosts and god. most answers were no for ghosts and yes for god. i was the only person with a no for both. i remember being surprised with that statistic. i had thought that among the younger generation i was in majority. but it took that poll to tell me how stupid it was to assume. So that leads me to when.. obviously before age of 12. but i cant go further back. (i can barely remember things that happened a week ago and u want me to remember things that happened like 10 years ago!!) But what i find surprising is that my parents never said anything. i dont know how i let them know but they knew. i dont believe. But they didnt react, they didnt force anything. maybe they thought it was just a phase, a rebellion which will die a natural death or maybe i wud change when i grow up and face realities of the world. and maybe i will.. i have seen it happen or rather heard it as a story. people changed from one extreme of not going to temple at all to doing a whole trip of temples.
Maybe because my parents were not forcing me to follow their beliefs, i didnt try to force mine on them. i questioned, argued at times but overall accepted that this was a matter of belief. they believed and i didnt. nothing i say could change them. (oh but where this intelligence and understanding went later in life!) so i didnt try. time moved and i am here today where god has disappeared from my life- as a matter of belief, He/She exists as stories, myths. these days i go to temple sometimes.. to admire architectural beauty, sometimes to please my parents - on special occasions. it doesnt change me, change my beliefs but these small things, if they make my parents happy, i can oblige as they know, it doesnt change me.
So when is a question, i have not figured out.. lets just say as far as i can remember. now lets go back to the question which started all this. what am i? actually all the thinking leads back to the same answer i gave to my friend, 10 seconds after the question.. (still believing her meaning of agnostic) maybe at some point i was an agnostic, but now i am just atheist. i dont want to change anyone beliefs, i just want to be with my beliefs. u dont question me, i dont question u. (Why oh why cant i be so sensible in other things!)