Numb?

I thought I might become numb after all these blasts and I was afraid of such a time. But as I sat glued to the television, eventually forcing myself to shut it down to study, I realized something..
I was astounded at the audacity of these terrorists. I was horrified at the ease with which they came into the city and held the whole country hostage for 3 days. I was shocked by the mercilessness of these people. I was scared for the death toll. I was furious at the complete failure of the government and its utter inefficiency to handle such a situation. I was heartbroken seeing Taj on fire. I was disgusted with the petty politician who offered money to the widow of the officer he had villified few weeks before. I was heartened by the brave stories of hotel staff, guests, railway announcer and others. I was disgusted at the man who wanted to get into the frame of the television in the aftermath, smiling on the phone probably telling his family/friends that he was on TV. I was sick of the talk about the spirit of mumbai. I was confused whether I should be more scared that there was an intelligence failure or that though there was information, nobody did anything. I was angry at the politicians for their callous and insensitive remarks.
So No.. I am not numb!!

The world is crumbling!!

Blasts - my city gets hit again. and I am very afraid that I am becoming indifferent to all this. Curtesy asking family and friends about their safety, somehow i assume they are all ok. And I dont want to see the news about any of it. Ofcourse the news itself doesnt help. Apart from the images, all you have is news of how people in power were changing clothes never mind that the city is reeling under attacks which the government knew would happen or condemning the blasts and saying we will not tolerate terrorism. what does that even mean? Or else, you have the opposition who cant even wait for few hours before blaming the government and calling for resignation. No matter what, in India, no one can be united on one thing even if it is terrorism.
Then you have the communal violence and floods - one human-made and the other natural (is it really though?). And the same old story: blame game and no solutions. Does the fact that I am bothered mean that I am not after all indifferent?

On a different scale, we have the financial crisis. Top investment banks - bankrupt, sold, bailed out by Federal Reserve.. so it is in US but it would affect the world, wouldnt it. more than 60,000 employees looking for jobs in an already diminished job market. India's inflation is still high though I havent checked on the latest.

Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. My personal issues have diminished in value. for the first time perhaps I have perspective. My life is fairly easy even though I create problems effortlessly. But the world seems to be crumbling even as I stand straight. Perhaps all the theories about destruction of the world were right. Eventually nature and human will destory the world. Maybe that eventually is right now.
So what do I do? RETREAT. No news, no magazines... shut myself from all the things above. Concentrate on my work assuming that the end is not here yet. It may be selfish, it may be childish.. but it is what I need now.

I am

1. Selfish
2. Impatient
3. Lazy
4. not completely truthful
5. stubborn
6. short tempered
7. elitist/snob/arrogant
8. not steadfast on my principles
And I am not working on any of it!!!

I did it!!

I put my First year failure to rest with this one. I had allowed it to shake my confidence and create indifference. But i figured that this is my last chance to make it right. Plus a favourite teacher (FT)'s strongly worded advice to take part. So this time, no excuses, no indifference.. and u know what, I made it. Okay, so I didnt do something absolutely great.. but I restored my confidence. and that is great na?
And I was good.. I actually felt it. I could see the judges feel it too. In fact as it turned out I was the best there..
so thanx FT!

Another reality check!

I am not a People's person.... thats it..
Especially not at my home..
There are exceptions - people i am really comfortable with.. but otherwise i cant wait to have the home to myself!!!!!

Average rate of happiness?

So I came up with a new theory. I have an average mood rate. So if I rise above that rate, then to average it out I have to be in dumps soon... and somehow that would have to be a longer than the happy period. So that explains my mood swings. I have to maintain an average but I am not a person who can be at the same rate throughout - so Mood Swings. That makes sense - about why i feel sad for no reason. Its because of that stupid average.
But then it probably means that my average mood rate is low and that essentially I am an unhappy person because as I said, the low is longer than the high. Or is it my intensity - that my highs are deeper so to match it out, my lows have to last longer. Not really, I think.
I think I need to work on the exceptions. Every theory has them.

Reality check

I dont care what you say, think or feel.
I dont care what I say, think or feel!

Reasonable reasons?

Why is it that things that I am sure about have questionable motives? Most of the times, I have no idea what I want. I just go with the flow, taking whatever I get. Not really achieving something. And when I feel I do know what I want, very soon I am hit by the thought of justifying it. Because I dont know why I want it. Atleast I dont know any positive reason for wanting it. It sometimes seems as if all my decisions and dreams (whatever few i have) are based more on negativity of other things than any positive influence. Like its too hard, its expected of me, its been done before by others, I need to get away from here. Why cant I do something or want something for itself?

Its very irritating to question yourself over such things. Either you should have the ability to justify your actions to yourself or not care about the reasons for it. This halfway where I am stuck just makes life difficult. Perhaps I should learn to accept my reasons for what they are. There are not always 'right' reasons for doing something or wanting something. Sometimes, negativity is what you have.

Bollywood tag: finally finished

5 film titles that describe your life
Lakshya ( as in lack of)
Time Pass (yes, there is a movie)
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na
Aisi Bhi Kya jaldi hai
Bekhudi

5 songs that describe you
bad bad girls - na roti khilayegi na choti banayegi na palke jhukayegi (Chak De India)
Koi kahe, kehta rahe kitna bhi humko deewana, Hum logon ki thokar mein hai yeh zamaana Hum hain naye, andaaz kyoon ho puraana (Dil Chahata Hai)
paniyon mein chal rahi hai, kashthiya bhi jal rahi hai, hum kinare par nahi hain (Sajjad Ali, Cinderella)
Hoshwalon ko khabhar kya Bekhudi Kya chees hai ( Sarfarosh)
Na tum jaano na hum

Already taken: Mere mann yeh batade tu, kis or chala hai tu.. kya paya nahi tune, kya doond raha hai tu - Mitwa from KANK

5 characs you can relate to
Karan Shergill - Hrithik Roshan in Lakshya (already taken, but cant help it, its the character i can most relate to; rest are vague connection)
Aditya - Shahid Kapoor in Jab We Met for the first quarter of the movie
Mohan - Shah Rukh Khan in Swades (i know the whole point of being an NRI is lost on me)
Preeti - Priety Zinta in Dil Se
Madhu - Sandhya Mridul in Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd (donno why)

5 characs you want to kill
Sexy - Cheeni Kum (Kid, grow down!!)
Khushi - Kareena Kapoor in Khushi (if u havent seen the movie, congrats!!)
Rishi Oberoi - Fardeen Khan in Hum Ho gaye Aapke (and other movies too!!)
Lalitha - Aishwarya Rai in Bride and Prejudice (for destroying Elizabeth Bennet's character)
Sanjana - Antara Mali in Mr ya Miss

5 charac you would like to date
Aryan - Hrithik Roshan in Dhoom 2 ( especially the Rock fall)
Aslam - Kunal Kapoor in Rang De (if only to prove to Rama that the character isnt gay!)
Kabir Khan - Shah Rukh Khan in Chak De
Aditya - Shahid Kapoor in Jab We Met
Darcy - Martin henderson in Bride and Prejudice (closest i can get to Mr. Darcy)

if Others allowed - Jerry Macguire - Tom Cruise, Dougray Scott in Ever After

???

Sometimes, I dont know what I feel. and that just makes it harder. If I know I am depressed or miserable, I can deal with it. if I am angry or irritated, I can justify my actions. if I am restless even, at least I know. but now, i just dont know. its as if i am feeling everything at once and its confusing the hell out of me. I am a little miserable about who i am, i am angry at others for who they are, i am apprehensive about where i am headed. I feel weird about how old i am. I am worried about my future. I cant talk to others and i cant listen to them either. Is all of this confusing me or is it something else that is manifesting itself in these varied forms? i wish life was simpler. i wish i was back in school. My school was pretty good, though it was in college that i started to find myself and real, close friends. But right now, school is very attractive - for its stability and continuity of year after year, of no decision making, of homework and exams from that i did so well, of free afternoons and evenings, of no responsibility inside or outside house. and most of all, i never had to think about my emotions, about how i felt. i had my ups and downs but i dont remember ever encountering depression or anger that wasnt targetted at something specific or worry/ tension about future.. most of all, i never had encounter not knowing who i was or what i was feeling. that is blessing that i realise the importance of. i now understand why people get nostalgic about their childhood.. and perhaps thats what it is. i am not ready to finally put any childhood aside and become an adult.

To quit or not to quit

People always say.. 'quitters are not winners'. Makes sense... If u fail the first time, try try again.. all that is fine.. but what do you do if the activity is messing up your sleep. Its lowering your self esteem and making you feel miserable.. do you continue with something like that? Its not about fighting someone else, its about fighting self!

But one cant give up everything that causes us to question ourselves, our abilities.. leads to stress and worry. if so, we would not do anything. thats where these phrases make sense. one cant quit everytime one feels afraid, sad, hurt. You have to fight through your fear. I have had many fears - public speaking and responsibility ( in nature of organisation). I cant say i have overcome either completely but i am working on it. And i know if i shy away from everything that involves either of the two, i am going to miss out on stuff.

But what about things you feel you are not good at, that you have if not failed completely, managed not to do a great job. i am not a kid anymore. even though i am still discovering who i am, i cant expect that practice will make me perfect in everything. there are limitations i have to accept. So should i quit? i am not quitting in the middle. i completed the task i was given or almost completed ( i am gonna see it through). but there is another session for it. thats where i am wondering whether to quit. rather, i have already quit. but i am wondering whether i am being a coward or just making a choice, accepting my limitations. i dont want to feel incompetent as i had sometimes felt. Maybe everyone does. maybe everyone should at one time. But no more. i quit. it was an experience i dont want to repeat but one i dont want to be erased either. i am glad i did it. i am glad i dont have to do it again!

Birthday blog

My blog's first birthday. I dont know why i started this blog. I am not much of a writer. I dont know why I named it 'world of my own'. I dont know why i changed it to 'surrounding me with me'. But i think it is quite appropriate. This blog is about me. well, so are most blogs, u say. But my posts are all about me. they are not just my take on the world but its a take on the world that affects me. i dont talk much of the outside world unless it directly affects me. i have other forums to discuss outside world, even if it leads to a heated arguement or even a full blown fight. But none for just myself. Every conversation involves others' views, their life. but here, while comments express others' views (and which i quite like reading), however they have to wait till i finish my say. even then, its still about me. In this blog, I have done self analysis, spouted my philosophies, or just ranted.



Maybe i am self-absorbed, but its a vice i dont want to give up. i havent always been able to talk about myself the way i have in these posts. (and even if i did want to talk, nobody is likely to listen) so i used this way to express. Its a rant that nobody can stop and much 'saner' than talking to air. others, interested enough to read the blog, can understand some part of me without awkwardness of speech.


So the blog is really my own world. its about surrounding myself with me, my thoughts, my opinions, my introspection, my stories, my rants and my blahs. So Happy Birthday Blog!